Today's jokes [5.29.09]

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   A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in
   their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he
   could not help them. The Browns came to see the doctor. He gave them
   thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests, then
   concluded, "Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you. On
   your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some
   grapes and some doughnuts."
   
   "Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across
   the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's 'love canal'.
   Then, on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and
   retrieve the grape using only your tongue."
   
   "Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the
   room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his
   'love pole'. Then, like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume
   the doughnut."
   
   The couple went home and their sex life became more and more
   wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should
   see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would
   not take the case unless he felt that he could help them. He conducted
   the physical exams and the same battery of tests.
   
   Then he told the Greens the bad news. "I cannot help you, so I will
   not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will
   ever be. I cannot help."
   
   The Greens pleaded with him, and said, "You helped our friends the
   Browns, now please, please help us."
   
   "Well, all right", the doctor said. "On your way home from the office,
   stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of
   Cheerios..."

Why do gorillas have big noses?

                                         Because they have big fingers. 

"Miss Jones, we can't employ you as a model," the editor from the
men's magazine explained. "It's too obvious that your blonde hair
isn't natural, since the hair between your legs is black." 

The model picked up a paperweight and slammed it down on the editor's
fingers. 

"What the hell did you do that for!" he exploded. She smiled sweetly
and said, "Look at your fingers. They're turning black, right? And
they've only been banged once." 

What is the Australian for foreplay?

Brace yourself, Sheila!

And the Welsh?

Are you awake, Gwen?

The following is an ad from a real-life newspaper which
   appeared four days in a row - the last three hopelessly trying to
   correct the first day's mistake.
   MONDAY: For sale: R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone
   948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.
   TUESDAY Notice: We regret having erred In R.D. Jones' ad yesterday. It
   should have read "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 948-0707
   and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 P.M."
   WEDNESDAY Notice: R.D. Jones has informed us that he has received
   several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the
   classified ad yesterday. The ad stands corrected as follows: "For sale
   R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707
   after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him."
   THURSDAY Notice: I, R.D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I
   smashed it. Don't call 948-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected.
   I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was
   my housekeeper but she quit!

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