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Today's jokes [5.26.09]

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The minister of a small congregation was about to start his sermon when he 
noticed a young woman in the front row, wearing a tight dress with her 
boobs almost hanging out. He couldn't concentrate on his message to the 
flock, so he dismissed the service and asked to speak to the woman after 
everyone else left the church.
When they were alone, the reverend said in his sternest lecturing voice. 
"Just what do you mean, coming to church dressed like that?"
"Why reverend." the young thing replied. All of my boyfriends tell me that 
they can hear the angels sing when they put their heads on my breasts."
"Hmm. Well let me check," said the man of the cloth, placing his head 
between her tits. After several minutes, he raised his head and said. "I 
don't hear any angels singing!"
"Of course not reverend." she said. Your not plugged in yet."

1. 




Two British faggots were standing on Circular Quay looking out over the 
harbour. One of them pointed to a ferry and asked, "Elton, what's that?"

"That's a ferry-boat, George my love," answered Elton.

"Oooh!" Squealed George, "I knew there was a lot of us, but I didn't know 
we had our own navy!"

2. 




A man answers the phone and has the following conversation: 
"Yes, mother, I've had a hard day. Gladys has been most 
difficult - I know I ought to be more firm, but it is hard.
Well, you know how she is.  
"Yes, I remember you warned me. I remember you told me that 
she was a vile creature who would make my life miserable and 
you begged me not to marry her.  
"You were perfectly right.  
"You want to speak with her? All right."  He looks up from the 
telephone and calls to his wife in the next room:  
"Gladys, your mother wants to talk to you!"

3. 




   Version 1.
   
   This butcher lived in an apartment over his shop. One night he was
   awakened by strange noises coming from below, so he tiptoed downstairs
   and saw his 19-year-old daughter sitting on the chopping block and
   masturbating with a liverwurst. The butcher sighed and tiptoed back to
   bed.
   
   The next morning, when a customer walked in and asked for some
   liverwurst, the butcher said that he didn't have any left. The
   customer was really annoyed, she pointed to the corner of the shop and
   asked, "No liverwurst? Well, what's that hanging on the hook right
   over there?"
   
   The butcher frowned at her. "That", he replied, "is my son-in-law."
   


4. 




A Jewish couple, are sitting together on an airplane flying to
the Far East. Over the public address system, the Captain 
announces: "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very
bad news.  Our engines have ceased functioning, and this plane
will be going down momentarily. Luckily, I see an island below
us that should be able to accommodate our landing. This island
appears to be uncharted; I am unable to find it on our maps. So
the odds are that we will never be rescued and will have to live
on the island for a very long time, if not for the rest of our
lives. A few minutes later the plane lands safely on the island,
whereupon Morris turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay
our pledge to the Yeshiva yet?"
"No Morris!" she responded.
Morris smiles, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our UJA pledge?"
"Oy no, I forgot to send the check!!"
Now Morris laughs.
"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send our Temple
Building Fund check this month?"
"Oy Morris I forgot that one too!"
Now Morris is practically choking with laughter.
Esther asks Morris, "So what are you smiling and laughing about?"
Morris responds, "They'll find us!!"

5. 



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