Today's jokes [5.24.09]
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American University Grading Procedures
Here is a list of the ways professors here at the American
University grade their final exams:
DEPT OF STATISTICS:
- All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.
DEPT OF PSYCHOLOGY:
- Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close
them and turn them in. The professor opens the books and
assigns the first grade that comes to mind.
DEPT OF HISTORY:
- All students get the same grade they got last year.
DEPT OF RELEGION:
- Grade is determined by God.
DEPT OF PHILOSOPHY:
- What is a grade?
- Students are asked to defend their position of why they
should receive an A.
DEPT OF MATHEMATICS:
- Grades are variable.
DEPT OF COMPUTER SCIENCE:
- If and only if the student is present for the final and
the student has accumulated a passing grade then the student
will receive an A else the student will not receive an A.
- Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the
instructor play the corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp
and flat respectively).
DEPT OF PHYSICAL EDUCATION:
- Everybody gets an A.
Jack goes to the doctor and says "Doc I'm having trouble getting my
penis erect, can you
help me?" After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack, "Well
the problem is that the
muscles around the base of your penis are damaged. There's really
nothing I can do for
you unless you're willing to try an experimental treatment." Jack asks
sadly, "And that
would be?" "Well," the Doctor explains, "What we would do is take the
muscles from the
trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis." Jack thinks
about it silently then
says, "Well the thought of going through life without ever having sex
again is too much,
let's go for it."
Jack went under the knife, and, after a period of recovery and
healing, returned to the Doc
for his blessing. Following the examination, the Doc pronounced Jack
"healed and ready
Eager to use his experimentally enhanced equipment, Jack planned a
romantic evening for
his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town,
anticipating a happy
conclusion to the evening. In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring
between his legs that
continued to the point of being painful. To release the pressure, Jack
placed his napkin on
his lap and unzipped his fly. His penis immediately sprung from his
pants, flipped the
napkin on the floor, went to the top of the table, grabbed a roll and
then returned to his
His girlfriend was stunned at first but then, imagining the
possibilities, said with a sly
smile and a gleam in her eye, "That was incredible! Can you do it
again?" Jack groaned,
"Probably, but I don't think I can fit another roll in my ass."
What's 18 inches long and makes women scream all night ?
A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are
playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons.
The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he
says, "No no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!"
"Well, what should I do?" asks the man.
"Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your
The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and POW! He hits the ball
250 yds. straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wife
with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson.
The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her
swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard."
"What can I do?" asks the wife.
"Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis."
The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and
THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway. . . about 15 ft.
"That was great," the pro says with a straight face.
"Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing it like you're
What's the best thing about a blow job?
- The 15 minutes of silence!
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