Today's jokes [5.24.09]

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                   American University Grading Procedures
     
   
Here is a list of the ways professors here at the American
University grade their final exams:

DEPT OF STATISTICS:
 - All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.

DEPT OF PSYCHOLOGY:
 - Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close
them and turn them in.  The professor opens the books  and
assigns the first grade that comes to mind.

DEPT OF HISTORY:
 - All students get the same grade they got last year.

DEPT OF RELEGION:
 - Grade is determined by God.

DEPT OF PHILOSOPHY:
 - What is a grade?

LAW SCHOOL:
 - Students are asked to defend their position of why they
should receive an A.

DEPT OF MATHEMATICS:
 - Grades are variable.

DEPT OF COMPUTER SCIENCE:
 - If and only if the student is present for the final and
the student has accumulated a passing grade then the student
will receive an A else the student will not receive an A.

MUSIC DEPARTMENT:
 - Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the
 instructor play the corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp
 and flat respectively).

DEPT OF PHYSICAL EDUCATION:
 - Everybody gets an A.
  

   Jack goes to the doctor and says "Doc I'm having trouble getting my
   penis erect, can you
   help me?" After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack, "Well
   the problem is that the
   muscles around the base of your penis are damaged. There's really
   nothing I can do for
   you unless you're willing to try an experimental treatment." Jack asks
   sadly, "And that
   would be?" "Well," the Doctor explains, "What we would do is take the
   muscles from the
   trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis." Jack thinks
   about it silently then
   says, "Well the thought of going through life without ever having sex
   again is too much,
   let's go for it."
   Jack went under the knife, and, after a period of recovery and
   healing, returned to the Doc
   for his blessing. Following the examination, the Doc pronounced Jack
   "healed and ready
   for action".
   Eager to use his experimentally enhanced equipment, Jack planned a
   romantic evening for
   his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town,
   anticipating a happy
   conclusion to the evening. In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring
   between his legs that
   continued to the point of being painful. To release the pressure, Jack
   placed his napkin on
   his lap and unzipped his fly. His penis immediately sprung from his
   pants, flipped the
   napkin on the floor, went to the top of the table, grabbed a roll and
   then returned to his
   pants!
   His girlfriend was stunned at first but then, imagining the
   possibilities, said with a sly
   smile and a gleam in her eye, "That was incredible! Can you do it
   again?" Jack groaned,
   "Probably, but I don't think I can fit another roll in my ass."
   

What's 18 inches long and makes women scream all night ?

Crib death.

A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are
playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons. 

The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he
says, "No no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!"
"Well, what should I do?" asks the man. 
"Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your
 wife's breast."

The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and POW!  He hits the ball
250 yds. straight up the fairway.  The man goes back to his wife
with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson. 

The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her
swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard."
"What can I do?" asks the wife.
"Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis."

The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and
THUMP.  The ball goes straight down the fairway. . . about 15 ft. 

"That was great," the pro says with a straight face. 
"Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing it like you're 
supposed to!"

What's the best thing about a blow job? 

- The 15 minutes of silence! 

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