Today's jokes [5.23.09]

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Q: Why did Marshall Applewhite insist that his follwers be castrated?

A: He heard that to be really successful on the Internet you have to work
with UNIX.

One gay man says to the other, did you hear Newt Gingrich is coming out?
"Really?" the second gay man says, "that's amazing!"
The first gay man says, "yeah we're lucky, he's only coming
out of Congress, would you wanna sleep with him?"

Sent by Patrick

A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech
 corporation.  The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and
 presented him with three numbered envelopes. "Open these if you run up
 against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said.

 Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales
 took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his
 wits's end, he remembered the envelopes.  He went to his drawer and took
 out the first envelope.  The message read, "Blame your predecessor."

 The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at
 the feet of the previous CEO.  Satisfied with his comments, the press --
 and Wall Street -- responded positively, sales began to pick up and the
 problem was soon behind him.

 About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in
 sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his
 previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope.  The
 message read, "Reorganize."  This he did, and the company quickly
 rebounded.

 After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again
 fell on difficult times.  The CEO went to his office, closed the door
 and opened the third envelope.

 The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."

Iraqi TV Guide 

MONDAY
8:00    Husseinfeld
8:30    Mad About Everything
9:00    Suddenly Sanctions
9:30    Allah McBeal

TUESDAY
8:00    Wheel of Fortune and Terror
8:30    The Price is Right if Saddam Says its Right
9:00    Children are Forbidden to Say The Darndest Things
9:30    Iraq's Funniest Public Execution Bloopers

WEDNESDAY
8:00    Buffy the Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer
8:30    Diagnosis: Heresy
9:00    Just Shoot Me
9:30    Veilwatch

THURSDAY
8:00    Mahatma Loves Chachi
8:30    M*U*S*T*A*S*H
9:00    Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses
9:30    My Two Baghdads

FRIDAY
8:00    Judge Saddam
8:30    Captured Iranian Soldiers Say The Darndest Things
9:00    Achmed's Creek
9:30    No-witness News

The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony beaming at 
thousands of people in the forecourt below. The Queen says to the Pope
out of the corner of her mouth, "I bet you a tenner that I can make
every English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand."
The Pope says, "No way.  You can't do that."
The Queen says, "Watch this."
So the Queen waves her hand and every English person in the crowd goes 
crazy, waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and cheering, 
basically going ballistic.

So the Pope is standing there thinking, "Uh oh, what am I going to do?
I never thought she'd be able to do it."
So he thinks to himself for a minute and then he turns to her and says,
"I bet you I can make every Irish person in the crowd go wild, not just 
now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head."
The Queen goes, "No way, it can't be done."
So the Pope headbutts her.

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