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Today's jokes [5.20.09]

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When I stopped the bus to pick up little five year old Chris for
preschool, I noticed an older woman hugging him as he left the house.

"Is that your grandmother?" I asked Chris when he boarded.

"Yes," Chris said.  "She's come to visit us for Christmas." 
"How nice," I said.  "Where does she live?"
"At the airport," Chris replied.  
"Whenever we want her we just go out there and get her."



1. 




What's sicker than sick?

masturbating with your grandma's ashes under your foreskin....

2. 




A man was leaving church one day. The Pastor was standing at the door (as 
he always is) to shake hands with members of the congregation. He grasped 
the man by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him,
"You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
The man replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and 
Easter?"
He whispered back, "Shhhhhhhhh. I'm in the secret service."

3. 




A doctor, an engineer, and a politician were
arguing as to which profession was older.
     "Well," argued the doctor, "without a
physician mankind could not have survived, so I am
sure that mine is the oldest profession."
     "No," said the engineer, "before life began
there was complete chaos, and it took an engineer
to create some semblance of order from this chaos.
So engineering is older."
     "But," chirped the triumphant politician,
"who created the chaos?"

4. 




Prosecutor: Did you kill the victim?
Defendant: No, I did not.
Prosecutor: Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?
Defendant: Yes, I do. And they're a heck of a lot better than
                        the penalty for murder!

5. 



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