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Today's jokes [5.2.09]

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   Golf in the Bedroom
   Rules of Play
   Each player shall provide his own equipment - normally one club and
   two balls.
   Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
   Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and
   keep the balls out of the
   hole.
   For the most effective play, the club owner should have a firm shaft.
   Course owners are
   permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
   Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid
   damage to the hole.
   The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until
   the course owner is
   satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to do so may result in
   denied permission to play
   the course again.
   It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon
   arrival at the course.
   The experienced players will normally take time to admire the entire
   course, with special
   attention to well formed bunkers.
   Players are encouraged not to mention other courses they have played,
   or are currently
   playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset owners have
   been known to
   damage a player's equipment for this reason.
   Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own
   protection.
   Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly
   scheduled, particularly
   when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players
   have been known to
   become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they
   considered to be a private
   course.
   Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times.
   Some players may be
   embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair.
   Players are advised to be
   extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find
   alternate means of play
   at this time.
   Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before
   attempting to play the
   back nine.
   Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to
   proceed at a quicker
   pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner's request.
   It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the
   same course several
   times in one month.
   


1. 




A blonde decided that she was tired of her empty life.  She 
cut her hair and dyed it brown, and set off for a drive.  
She wanted to do random acts of kindness to see if it would 
change her life.


While driving through the countryside, she came across a farmer 
who was trying to get his sheep across the road.  She stopped 
her car and waved the farmer across, thinking this would be her 
first good deed.


After the sheep had all crossed, the blonde said to the farmer, 
"your sheep are so cute.  If I guess how many there are, could 
I have one."


The farmer thought it impossible and told the blonde it was okay.


"637", said the blonde.


The farmer was amazed that the blonde had guessed the exact 
number, but lived up to his bargain.


"I'll take that feisty one over there", said the blonde.


Then the farmer said to the blonde, "Okay, now if I guess the 
real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?



2. 




God created woman, and she had 3 breasts.

He said to the woman, "Is there anything on you that you'd like to
change?"

She said, "Yes.  Could you get rid of this middle breast?"

God snapped his fingers and it was done.

She exclaimed, holding the third breast in her hand,
"What am I going to do with this useless boob?"

And God created man.

3. 




Here's a sad one...

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a poodle? 

A: A dead poodle with an 18 inch asshole. 

4. 




"Doctor, I need your help," the woman says. 
"What seems to be the problem?" 
"My husband just doesn't satisfy me sexually. What can I do?" 
"Hmmm. That's a bit out of my league. Has HE seen a doctor?" 
"Yes, he has. He is perfectly OK. He just isn't enough for me. You've 
got to help me!" 
"Er ... Why don't you take a lover?" 
"I have! I still don't get enough." 
"Take another lover." 
"I did. In fact, I have eight lovers - and I still don't get enough sex!" 
"Gosh, that's an anomaly." 
"Oh, Doctor! Please tell them it's an anomaly! They all keep telling me 
I'm a whore!" 

5. 



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