Today's jokes [5.19.09]

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Q: How can you tell if a man is sexually excited?
A: He's breathing.

    The US Standard railroad gauge (distance between the
   rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why
   was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in
   England, and the US railroads were built by English expatriates. Why
   did the English people build them like that? Because the first rail
   lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad
   tramways, and that's the gauge they used. Why did "they" use that
   gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same
   jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that
   wheel spacing. Why did the wagons use that odd wheel spacing? Well, if
   they tried to use any other spacing the wagons would break on the old
   long distance roads, because that's the spacing of the old wheel ruts.
   So who built these old rutted roads? The first long distance roads in
   Europe were built by Imperial Rome for the benefit of their legions.
   The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts? The initial ruts,
   which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagons,
   were first made by Roman war chariots. Since the chariots were made
   for or by Imperial Rome they were all alike in the matter of wheel
   spacing. Thus, we have the answer to the original questions. The
   United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives
   from the original specification for an Imperial Roman army war
   chariot. Specs and Bureaucracies live forever. So, the next time you
   are handed a specification and wonder what horse's behind came up with
   it, you may be exactly right. Because the Imperial Roman chariots were
   made to be just wide enough to accommodate the back-ends of two
   warhorses.

A man and wife entered a dentist's office.
The Wife said, "I want a tooth pulled. I
don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in
a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as
quickly as possible." 

You're a brave woman said the dentist. Now,
show me which tooth it is. 

The wife turns to her husband and says "Open
your mouth and show the dentist which tooth
it is, dear."

Playgirl Rejection Letter



November 30, 1995


PLAYGIRL, INC.


Dear Mrs. Smith,

        We wish to thank you for your letter and the polaroid picture
of your husband.  We agree that his appearance in our March issue as
the Playgirl's "Man of the Month" centerfold would have been a truly 
fitting way for you to honor your 75th anniversary of wedded bliss,
and as a life-time memento on his birthday.

        We submitted the picture to our various panels of judges, as
it is our routine procedure, with the following results:

        When rated by our panel of average American women (ages 25 to
40) on a scale from 1 to 10 (10 being the highest), his body was rated
a -2.

        To further justify our ratings, we submitted your photograph
to another panel of women in the age bracket of 45 to 100.  We couldn't
get them to stop laughing long enough to take the time to rate him.

        The old American women panel, aged 70 to 100, widowed for over 
twenty years, said "We'll retain our widowed status!"

        The Organization of Nude Portrait Painters (thinking perhaps
they could touch up the picture), said "We can't perform miracles!"

        We therefore regret that we will not be able to satisfy your 
request for John on his 75th wedding anniversary.  We do, however, 
invite you to submit other pictures for Playgirl's centerfold.  Please
be advised that the minimum requirement is that the staple used to 
hold the centerfold in place in the magazine cannot completely 
obliterate what we refer to as "the item of interest" as it would in 
John's case.

Yours truly,

Jane Brown
Playgirl, Inc.

Ed, Ted and their wives went out camping one weekend. Ed and Ted slept in 
one tent while the wives used the other.
At about three in the morning, Ted woke up and yelled, "Wow, 
unbelievable!"
Which woke Ed.
"What's going on?" said Ed.
"I've got to go to the other tent and find my wife." said Ted.
"How come?" said Ed.
"To have sex! I just woke up with the biggest hard-on I've ever had in my
life!" said Ted
After a pause, Ed said, "Do you want me to come with you?"
"Hell, no! Why would I want you to do that?" said Ted.
"Because that's my dick you're holding," said Ed.

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