Today's jokes [5.16.09]

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Three nuns went to a cucumber stand in an open market one day.
They asked how much the cucumbers were. The merchant said that
they were 4 for a dollar. The nuns said okay.
The puzzled merchant asked why they needed four cucumbers when
there were only three of them.
A nun answered back, "Well, we could alway eat one." 

Aunt Dora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her 
constipation. "It's terrible," she said, "I haven't moved my bowels in a 
week." 
"I see. Have you done anything about it?" asked the doctor. 
"Naturally," she replied, "I sit in the bathroom for a half-hour in the 
morning and again at night." 
"No," the doctor said, "I mean do you take anything?"
"Naturally," she answered, "I take a book."  

Here's a sick one...

So at the funeral home, the widow instructs the mortician to cut off
her late husband's penis and shove it up his rectum.  The mortician
objects, but threatening not to pay, he relents.  Later, at the coffin
closing, the wife bends down to kiss her husband goodbye, and she sees a
tear coming from his eye.  She says "Hurts doesn't it, you son of a
bitch!"

   One day, while an elephant was walking through the woods, she got a
   thorn stuck in her foot. She saw an ant passing and asked him to help
   her get the thorn out.
   
   The ant asked, "What do I get in return?"
   
   The elephant replied, "If you get it out, I'll have sex with you."
   
   So the ant gets busy taking the thorn out. When he finally gets it out
   he looks up at the elephant and says "OK it's out, are you ready?".
   
   The elephant thinks, "Hey, what's a little ant gonna do anyways?" The
   ant climbs up and starts to work away. Just then a monkey overhead
   drops a coconut on the elephant's head.
   
   "Ouch" screams the elephant, and the ant responds, "Yeah take it all
   bitch."
   

How can ya tell when a woman has fucked too much?
Ya put yer thumb in her ass, AND yer middle-finger in her cunt...
Now, if ya can SNAP yer fingers, ya know she's been fucking too much..

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