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Today's jokes [5.12.09]

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    A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan Bank, and
   says she wants to open a savings account. The accounts person asks her
   how much she would like to deposit to open the account and the little
   old lady says, "Three million dollars." The accounts person is
   startled, and says, "In what form?" and the little old lady says,
   "Cash. I've got it here in this bag..." and the accounts person looks
   and, sure enough, the lady has a big grocery bag just chock full of
   green stuff with big denominations. This is a highly unusual event,
   and the accounts person excuses herself to get the president of the
   bank to handle this one. He arrives, and escorts the little old lady
   to his office to handle it personally. Once in his office, he asks the
   little old lady where she got so much money. She says, "Gambling."
   "Gambling?", he says. "What sort of gambling?" "Oh, I make bets with
   people on all sorts of things, and I usually win. For example, I've
   got $100,000 right here that says that by noon tomorrow your balls
   will be square, and I'll even give you 4:1 odds. You got $25,000 you'd
   be willing to wager on that?" The bank president is shocked at this
   sort of thing coming from a sweet little old lady, but he didn't get
   to be the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank without knowing
   something about money. "I suppose I could come up with enough to cover
   that sort of wager, but I wouldn't feel right taking it from
   you...there's no way you can win a bet like that!" The little old lady
   just shook the bag, and said, "I know what I'm doing...and I can
   afford to lose, though I'm not going to. Is it a bet?" "Ok, have it
   your way", said the president, and they shook hands on it. "See you at
   11:55 tomorrow morning", said the little old lady, and with that she
   left. Next morning at 11:55 the little old lady arrives with a younger
   man in a three-piece suit, and is escorted to the bank president's
   office. The president is a nervous wreck, though a happy one. He'd
   gotten almost no sleep the night before, waking every few minutes to
   feel his balls to check for impending squareness, but nothing happened
   all night. He had checked hundreds of times that morning, but still
   nothing; perfectly normal. When the little old lady arrived he started
   to relax, knowing he had won. "Come in, please have a seat! Who might
   this gentleman be?" said the president. "He's my lawyer. For a bet of
   this size I want to have a witness. Any objections?" "No, perfectly
   understandable", said the president. "Well, it's now noon, and I'm
   still unchanged, so I guess I win!" he said happily. "Not so fast!"
   said the little old lady. "For a hundred grand I want to verify things
   personally! Please drop your pants." The bank president is a bit
   flustered, but agrees that in her position he'd want proof as well, so
   he drops his pants. The little old lady goes over to him and reaches
   out to feel the organs in question. "Ok, you win, here's your
   $100,000," says the little old lady, handing over a bag of bills. As
   she does so, her lawyer starts banging his head against the wall and
   moaning. "What's wrong with him?" asks the bank president. "Oh, he's
   just upset. Poor loser if you ask me. You see, I had a bet for
   $1,000,000 with him that I would have the President of the Chase
   Manhattan Bank by the balls by noon today."


1. 




How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart?

When she starts her sentence with , "A man once told me... "

2. 




The weather was very hot and this man wanted desperately 
to take a dive in a nearby lake. He didn't bring his swimming 
outfit, but who cared? He was all alone. So he undressed and 
got into the water. 

After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of old 
ladies walked onto the shore in his direction. He panicked, got 
out of the water and grabbed a bucket lying in the sand nearby. 
He held the bucket in front of his private parts and sighed with 
relief. 

The ladies got nearby and looked at him. He felt awkward and 
wanted to move. Then one of the ladies said: 'You know , I have 
a special gift, I can read minds.' 

'Impossible', said the embarrassed man, 'You really know what 
I think?' 

'Yes', the lady replied, 'Right now, I bet you think that the 
bucket you're holding has a bottom.' 

3. 




NOVICE: Do clever men make good husbands?

SAGE: Clever men don't BECOME husbands!

4. 




Two men met at a bar and struck up a conversation.
After a while one of them said, "You think you have
family problems? Listen to my situation: A few
years ago I met a young widow with a grown-up
daughter and we got married. Lately, my father
married my stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughter
my stepmother and my father became my stepson. Also
my wife became mother-in-law of her father-in-law.
Then the daughter of my wife, my stepmother had a
son. This boy was my half brother because he was my
father's son, but he was also the son of my wife's
daughter which made him my wife's grandson. That
made me grandfather of my half-brother. This was
nothing until my wife and I had a son.
     Now the sister of my son, my mother-in-law is
also the grandmother. This makes my father the
brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my
father's wife. I am my stepmother's brother-in-law,
my wife is her own child's aunt, my son is my
father's nephew and I am my own grandfather and you
think you have family problems.

5. 



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