Today's stories [4.6.09]

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I never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so
much. And I never figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never
figured out why men think with their head and women think with their heart.
I have never figured out why the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a
state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do"

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.  Well, the
passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I
just want you to hold me."  I said "WHAT???!!! What was that?!" So she says
the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me
to satisfy your physical needs as a man.  " She responded to my puzzled
look by saying, "Can't you just love me for  who I am and not what I do for
you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
her.  We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed  department store. I walked around with her while she tried on
several  different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one
take so I  told her we'll just buy them all.  She wanted new shoes to
compliment her  new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit.

We went to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond
earrings.

Let me tell you, she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave
short of a shipwreck.  I started to think she was testing me because she
asked for a tennis  bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play
tennis. I think I threw  her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier."  I could hardly contain myself when I
blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel  like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled
"WHAT??!!!"   I then said "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this
stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a
man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, why
can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I won't be having sex again until sometime after pigs fly over
a frozen hell.

A sign in the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian 
Orthodox monastery:

YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND
SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT 
THURSDAY.

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very 
embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think 
before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get
any.....a true story... We had a female news anchor who, the day after  it
was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not  only did
HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

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