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Today's stories [4.3.09]

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How to Avoid the Flu
 
Eat right! Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies.
Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.
Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system.
Walk for at least one hour a day, go for a swim, take the stairs instead
of the elevator, etc.
Wash your hands often. If you can't wash them, keep a bottle of
antibacterial stuff around.
Get lots of fresh air. Open windows whenever possible.
Get plenty of rest.
Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.
 
OR ....  You can take the doctor's office approach. Think about it, when
you go for a shot, what do they do first? Clean your arm with alcohol. Why?
 Because alcohol kills germs. So......
 
I walk to the liquor store (exercise), I put lime in my Corona (fruit),
celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies), drink on the bar patio (fresh air), get
drunk, tell jokes, and laugh (eliminate stress)  and then pass out (rest).
The way I see it, if you keep your alcohol levels up, flu germs can't get you!

1. 




I was out walking with my then 4-year-old daughter. She picked up something
off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I asked her not to do that.

"Why?"

"Because it's been laying outside and it is dirty and probably has germs."

At this point, she looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Wow! How
do you know all this stuff?"

Uh, I was thinking quickly, "...all moms knows this stuff. Um, it's on the
Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy."

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently
pondering this new information.

OH...I get It!" she beamed, "So if you flunk, you have to be the Daddy."

2. 




CURTAIN RODS 

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and
suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful
dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, 
and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of
Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited 
a few half-eaten shrimp shells, dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the
curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for 
the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. 

They tried everything; cleaning and mopping and airing the place out.
Vents wre checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air
fresheners were hung everywhere.

Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which
they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to
replace the expensive wool carpeting.

Nothing worked. 
People stopped coming over to visit...
Repairmen refused to work in the house...
The maid quit...

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could
not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually,
even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase
a new place.

The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her
the saga of the rotting house.

She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly,
and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for
getting the house back...

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on
price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth...But only
if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the
hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they
watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new
home......including the curtain rods.

3. 



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