Today's jokes [4.9.09]

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Q: How did Captain Hook die?
A: Jock itch.

Despite his best sales pitch, a life-insurance salesman
was unable to get a couple to sign up for a policy. 
"I certainly don't want to frighten you into a decision,"
he announced, standing up to leave ... 
"Please sleep on it tonight, and if you wake up in the
morning, let me know what you think."

Two cowboys are out rounding up cattle when all of a sudden a heifer
takes off and goes wild, the heifer runs into a fence and get's her head
stuck.  The two cowboys get over to the fence and the one says to the
other:
"This is too good to pass up," gets off his horse, unzips his pants and 
starts fucking the shit out of this heifer for at least ten minutes. When 
he finally finished he looked up to his partner and asked him if he wants 
some of it. His partner replied "hell yes that looks pretty good", climbs 
down off his horse drops his pants and sticks his head in the fence.

A tiny but dignified old lady was among a group looking at an 
art exhibition in a newly opened gallery. Suddenly one 
contemporary painting caught her eye.

"What on earth," she inquired of the artist standing nearby, "is 
that?"

He smiled condescendingly. "That, my dear lady, is supposed 
to be a mother and her child."

"Well, then," snapped the little old lady, "why isn't it?"

Three men: a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot,
were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree.
Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves
standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St
Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.

"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that
Heaven is now overcrowded, therefore St Peter has agreed to
limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of
you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot
answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not,
then you'll come with me to Hell."

The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most
comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings," With a snap
of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil.
The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct.
"Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the
philsopher disappeared.

The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated
formula you can ever think of!" With a snap of his finger,
another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The
mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was
correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his
finger, the mathematician disappeared, too.

The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a
chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes
on the seat." The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat
on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he
asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?"

The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from
the right."

"Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole." And
the idiot went to Heaven.

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