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Today's jokes [4.28.09]

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A husband and wife were in their back yard, and he was noticing her
expanding backside. He commented, "Boy, your ass is getting big.almost as
big as the gas grill here." She angrily stomped across the yard, and he
followed saying, "Yep, that thing is getting huge." At this, the wife
retreated to the far side of the yard. Soon he approached with a tape
measure, acquired the width, and exclaimed, "It IS as big as the gas
grill!"

Later that night when they were in bed, the husband started making moves on
his wife. She just turned away. "C'mon, honey," he said, "what's wrong?"
Her cold reply was, "I'm not firing up this grill for just one little
weiner!"

1. 




A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally 
swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there were no
ill effects, so he forgot about it.
Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, 
undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he 
looked up the man's arse was that eye staring right back at him. 
"You know, " said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me."

2. 




    Last Lunch

   Three steel workers were having lunch at the construction site, a 20
   story building. The first worker is Italian and when he looks in his
   lunch box, he exclaims, "Oh, no, if I have to eat spaghetti for lunch
   one more time, I going to jump off the 20th floor and kill myself."
   The second worker is Hispanic. When he looks in his lunch box, he
   exclaims, " Oh, no, if I have to eat tacos for lunch one more time, I
   going to jump off the 20th floor and kill myself." The third worker is
   polish. When he looks in his lunch box, he exclaims, "Oh, no, if I
   have to eat polish sausage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump
   off the 20th floor and kill myself."
   The next day the Italian looks in his lunch box, sees a bowl of
   spaghetti. He walks to the edge and jumps to his death. Then the
   Hispanic worker looks in his lunch box, sees 2 tacos. He walks to the
   edge and jumps to his death. Finally the polish worker looks in his
   lunch box, sees a polish sausage sandwich. He walks to the edge and
   jumps to his death.
   At the funeral for the three workers the Italian workers wife is
   sobbing out of control and cries," Oh, its all my fault. If only I had
   packed him a different lunch!" The Hispanics wife is also sobbing out
   of control and cries," Oh, its all my fault. If only I had packed my
   husband a different lunch!" The polish workers wife isn't crying at
   all so the other two wives confront her.
   "Don't look at me," she exclaims, "He packs his own lunch!"


3. 




   A student engineer in the office got engaged some time ago. At her
   wedding, I was reminding her of the first day she wore her ring. None
   of the other women in the office even noticed.
   
   Finally, in sheer and total exasperation, she said "Boy !!! It's so
   warm in here today, I think I'll take off my ring."


4. 




I married Miss Right.

I just didn't know her first name was Always. 

5. 



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