Today's jokes [4.19.09]
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How do you know a blond has been using your computer?
When the joy stick is wet!
Sent by Richard
You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out
with the boys on Wednesday nites, and so does she.
A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches.
When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his
poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his
migraines and STILL no improvement.
"Listen," says the Doctor, "I have migraines, too and the advice I'm
going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school,
but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have
a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a
while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can
stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I
get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is
killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the
headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and
see me in six weeks."
Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. "Doc! I took
your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for
17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!"
"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."
"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "you have a REALLY nice house."
An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phoney beard sat
down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender set it down, he asked,
"Going to a party?"
"Yeah," the man answered, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."
"But you look like Abe Lincoln," protested the barkeep.
"That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."
The Cop Quiz
(This article originally appeared in Putsch Electronic Magazine.)
Are you ready to be pulled over? Are you prepared to hand over
your license and registration in the middle of the night to a prejudiced
pig who doesn't like you or your Dead Kennedys bumper sticker? Take this
simple quiz and find out!
Listed below are several questions asked by a cop who has just
pulled you over. Below the questions are several possible responses.
Choose the best response to each. Check your answers at the end.
1. Do you know why I'm pulling you over, son/maam?
a. No, sir.
b. Because you're lonely?
c. To ask me if I have any Grey Poupon?
d. Because I ran down that old lady in the wheelchair?
e. Because you wanted a donation to your police station? (Handing him
a fifty or two)
f. Because of the Stealth Bomber I have in tow?
g. Because I'm pedaling too fast?
h. Because I'm Ice-T?
2. Can I see your license and registration?
a. Yes sir. (handing them over)
b. Can I see your high school diploma? Oh, I forgot...you're a cop.
c. Wanna see pictures too? (pulling a string of family photos out of
your wallet) Here's my mommy, my daddy, my sister, my friend, my
dog, my toilet, your mom bent over with a light bulb in her...oh,
how did THAT picture get in here?
d. I don't have a license, and this car is stolen.
e. (pull it out and read it to him veeeery slowly, not ever handing
it to him)
3. Would you mind stepping out of the car?
a. Of course, sir. (getting out)
b. What? In this weather?
c. Are you kidding? I'm too drunk to stand up!
d. First, repeat after me: "I realize that you are not Rodney King."
e. This is a motorcycle, dumbass.
4. Walk along this line.
a. Yes sir. (walking the line)
b. No thanks...I just snorted one.
c. Duuuude...which one? The wavy one, the colorful one, or the one
in the middle that's laughing at me?
d. Are you sure you wouldn't rather I skip merrily in a figure eight?
5. You call that a straight line?
a. Yes, sir.
b. Well, officer Pythagoras, the only way YOU could see a straight
line is by looking at your own brain wave pattern! (NOTE: This is
stolen from Emo Phillips)
6. Do you want to spend the night in jail?
a. No sir.
b. What are they serving for dinner?
c. That depends. Are YOU gonna be there, big fella? (smiling
d. Do the cells have ESPN?
e. Sure! I haven't seen your mom in months!
7. Hey, that's my car! Don't pee on that!
a. Yes, sir (zipping up)
b. Yes, sir (turning around and peeing on him)
Give yourself 13 points for each time you answered "a".
Give yourself 83 points if you answered "e" for #1.
Give yourself 346 points if you ignored #7 because it isn't going to happen.
Give yourself 8,425 points if you RECOGNIZED answer "b" of #5 from an Emo
Give yourself 24,983 points if you skipped right over this scoring section.
Subtract your score from your score to get the IQ of an average racist LAPD
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