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Today's jokes [4.15.09]

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What's the best thing about turning 65?

No more calls from insurance salesmen.


1. 




Tombstone epitaph

On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:

Here lies
Ezekial Aikle
Age 102
The Good Die Young.

2. 




   Pope Dies
   The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's met by the
   reception committee, and
   after a whirlwind tour is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad
   recreations available.
   He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of
   the Holy Scriptures, and
   spends the next eon or so learning the languages. After becoming a
   linguistic master, he
   sits down in the library and begins to pore over every version of the
   Bible, working back
   from the most recent "Easy Reading" to the original script.
   All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The angels come
   running to him, only to
   find the Pope huddled in a chair, crying to himself, and muttering,
   "An 'R'! They left out
   the 'R'."
   God takes him aside, offering comfort and asks him what the problem
   is. After collecting
   his wits, the Pope sobs again, "It's the letter 'R' ... the word was
   supposed to be
   CELEBRATE!"
   


3. 




A couple gets married, and thirty years later they're in the same hotel, 
in the same room. She takes off all her clothes, lies back on the bed, and 
spreads her legs. Her husband starts to cry. She says, "What's the 
matter?" He says, "Thirty years ago I couldn't wait to eat it. Now it 
looks like it can't wait to eat me."

4. 




   One Sunday morning Joe burst into the living room and said, "Dad, Mom,
   I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most
   beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.
   
   After dinner, Joe's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with
   you.. Your mother and I have been married 30 years. She's a wonderful
   wife but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I
   used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your
   half-sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."
   
   Joe was heart-broken. After eight months he eventually started dating
   girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced,
   "Dianne said yes! We are getting married in June."
   
   Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke
   the sad news. "Diane is your half-sister too, Joe, I am very sorry
   about this."
   
   Joe was furious! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news.
   
   "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I am never going to get married",
   he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my
   half-sister."
   
   His mother just shook her head. "Don't pay any attention to what he
   says, dear. He's not really your father."
   


5. 



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