Today's jokes [4.13.09]

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Little Lucy was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders
mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" 
"They're mating, Lucy" he replied.
"What do you call the spider on top Daddy?" Lucy asked.
"Oh, that's a Daddy Longlegs.
Lucy asked, "Oh, so one's a Daddy Longlegs and the other one is a
Mommy Longlegs?"
Daddy replied, "No, both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
Lucy thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped them flat.
Well, we're not having THAT sort of thing in our garden!!"

Why can't Frankenstein have children? 

     Because his nuts are on his neck. 

   It was the first day of school, and the elementary school teacher was
   establishing the fact
   that she'd take no nonsense from the kiddies this year. While taking
   the roll, she was told
   by one boy "My name is Johnny Fuckhauer". So she said "There'll be
   none of that kind of
   thing this year, Johnny; tell me your REAL name!". The kid said "No,
   really teacher, it IS
   Johnny Fuckhauer. You can go across the hall to fourth grade and ask
   my brother if you
   don't believe me!" Not wanting to be subjected to that kind of thing,
   the teacher went
   across the hall and knocked on the fourth grade classroom door. The
   fourth grade teacher
   had stepped down the hall to the front office for a moment, so she
   entered the room and
   directly asked the class "Do you have a Fuckhauer in here?" "Hell no!"
   replied a little kid
   from the front row, "We don't even get a cookie break!"
   

Patient: Doctor I'm having trouble having sex with my wife. When I get 
close enough to her, I get nauseous. When I insert, even an inch or two, I 
get sick to my stomach.
Doctor: Hmmmm, that does sound serious. Let me see it.
Patient sticks out his tongue...

A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While 
the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on 
his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even 
looked twice at a church.

However, the atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying job 
and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good-
natured, whereas the pious man's job was strenuous and his 
wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day and his 
kids wouldn't give him the time of the day.

So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes 
towards heaven and asked:

"Oh God, I honour you every day, I ask your advice for every 
problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbour, 
who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays, 
seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and
suffer many an indignity. Why is this?"

And a great voice was heard from above:

"BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!"

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