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Today's stories [3.24.09]

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My brother was driving down the road that leads to 
you "Country Estate", all twenty acres of it. He saw a young person 
wearing a tee shirt and jeans walking along the side of the road 
and, as is to be expected in the rural areas of a few years past, 
offered this person a lift. The kid got in the car. Now, this was a 
bright, sunshinny day and my brother got a good look at the kid he 
picked up. He said "You live down this way, son?" The kid looked at 
my 50-year-old brother and asked "What's the matter, pops? Forget 
what a girl looks like?"

1. 




A Malaysian monkey that had been trained to gather
coconuts from trees demonstrated a pressing need for
a refresher course when it leapt onto the shoulders
of a passer-by in Kuala Lumpur and tried to twist
his head off. The passer-by was treated at a local
hospital for a sprained neck.

2. 




A woman is suing the pharmacy that sold her a
popular contraceptive jelly - because she ate the stuff on toast
and got pregnant anyway.

And, incredibly, many legal experts are saying she's got an
excellent chance of collecting!

"The woman is a complete idiot," said one attorney who asked that we
not use his name. "How bright can you be if you think eating a
vaginal gel will prevent conception?

"But certain aspects of the case involve truth in labeling and false
advertising issues. She may not collect but she'll make a lot of
noise and trouble. People are down on lawyers anyway. They think we
waste time and money on frivolous lawsuits. This isn't going to help
our public relations any."

A spokesman for the unnamed mom-and-pop drugstore says he's shocked
and angry that such a case could ever be taken seriously. "All she
has to do is open the box and read the directions," says the
spokesman. "Next thing you know someone will come after us because
they couldn't stick things together with their toothpaste.

"I can just imagine some moron saying: 'It's paste, isn't it? Why
can't I glue these papers onto my bulletin board?' "

But attorneys for Mrs. Chyton say she was swindled and lied to by
implication and they intend to make the pharmacy pay $500,000 for
the hardship the woman will have to endure.

"It says right on it 'jelly,'" says Mrs. Chyton, a former model who
was once a cheerleader for a popular professional basketball team.

"And they kept it on the shelf just two aisles from the food
section. I know, now, that the directions say it should be used
vaginally with a condom.

"But who has time to sit around reading directions these days -
especially when you're sexually aroused?

"The company should call it something else and the pharmacy
shouldn't sell it without telling each and every customer who buys it
that eating it won't prevent you from getting pregnant."

As bizarre as it sounds, the pharmacy could wind up losing the
lawsuit. "It's hard for businesses to avoid troublesome lawsuits,"
said another attorney.

"With the courts bending over backwards to please consumer groups,
the temper of the times is perfect for these crackpots to bring legal
action against businesses - even a moronic legal action like this."

3. 



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