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Today's jokes [3.7.09]

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   With the divorce rate so high in America, a new organization has been
   formed called "Marriage Anonymous." Whenever a guy feels like getting
   married, they send over a woman with crulers in her hair, cream on her
   face and wearing a torn housecoat to nag him out of it.


1. 




Q. What's worse than finding a worm in the apple you're eating?

A. Finding half a worm.

2. 




God created the mule, and told him, 'you will be Mule, working
constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat 
grass and you lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years.
 The mule answered: 'To live like this for 50 years is too much. 
Please, give me no more than 20.'   And it was so.
Then God created the dog, and told him, 'you will hold vigilance
over the dwellings of Man, to him you will be his greatest companion.  You
will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years.'
And the dog responded, 'Lord, to live 25 years as a dog is too much.
Please, no more than 10 years.' And it was so.
 God then created the monkey, and told him, 'You are Monkey.  You shall
 swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny,
and you shall live for 20 years.'
And the monkey responded, 'Lord, to live 20 years as the  clown of the
world is too much. Please, Lord, give me  no more than 10 years.'  
And it was so.
Finally, God created Man and told him, 'You are Man, the only rational
being that walks the earth.  You will use your intelligence to have
mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and
live for 20 years.
And the man responded, 'Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too
little. Please, Lord, give me the 20 years the mule refused, the 15 years
the dog refused, and the ten years the monkey rejected.'   And it was so.
And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live
20 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back.  Then, he 
is to  have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and
eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry then, in his old age, to live 
10 years as a monkey, acting like a clown to amuse his grandchildren.

3. 




A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and 
announced that his wife had just produced a typical Texas 
baby, weighing a whopping twenty pounds.
"WOW!" was the response from everyone at the bar.
Two weeks later the Texan returned to the bar. The bartender
recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the baby 
that weighed twenty pounds at birth? How much does he weigh 
now?" 
The proud father answered, "10 pounds."
The bartender said, "Why? I know that babies lose some 
weight after birth, but ten pounds? He did weigh twenty 
pounds, didn't he? What happened?
The proud Texas father said, "Just had him circumcised!"

4. 




Two elderly Southern women are sitting on the veranda sipping lemonade and 
reminiscing about old times.
One says to the other, "Darling, do you remember the minuet?"
The other replies, "Sweetheart, I can't even remember the ones I screwed!" 

5. 



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