Today's jokes [3.31.09]

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How do you catch a polar bear?

Answer:  First, you cut a large, round hole in the ice.
         Next, you place enough peas around the hole to
         completely surround the hole.  Then, when the
         polar bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in
         the icehole.

Sent by Ediie

A fellow was shipwrecked with six lovely women who
in a short time were fighting over his attentions.
They held a meeting to resolve the problem and
decided that each would have his services on a
different day of the week, with Sundays off for him. 

In due time the guy was dragging himself through the
week, looking forward to Sunday. 

As he lay an the beach one day he saw a dot floating
on the sea which as it got closer turned out to be a
man on a raft. With his last ounce of strength he
swam out, pulled the raft ashore, gave the occupant
CPR and as he came around said to him; "Oh man, am
I ever glad to see you! 

"Goodness gracious, am I ever glad to see you too"
said the raft rider in a swishy way.

With a shrug of resignation the guy said... "Oh damn,
there goes my Sundays!" 

The UN sponsored a competition on which nation can produce the best book
on elephants.

The British submited a dry historical account "The Elephant and the
    British Empire."

The French submited a text "The Sensuality of the Elephant -- a Personal
    Account."

The Germans submited 47 Volumes entitled "An Elementary Introduction to the
    Foundation of the Science of the Elephant's Ear."

The Americans submited an article from "Money" magazine: "Elephants -- the
    Perfect Tax Shelter for the 80s"

Green-Peace submited a counter-entry "Elephants -- they're better than
    People"

The Russians submited a terse manuscript titled "The superiority of
    the Soviet Elephant"

And  submited a poem "The Joy and
    Freedom Brought forth by the Soviet Elephant."

But the Japanese won with their Promotional Flier "We have no Elephants but
    wouldn't you want to buy a Honda instead"

How does every ethnic joke start?

By looking over your shoulder.

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, 
clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for
their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time
standing up. 
Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?" 
They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one. 
They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any 
worse than it is. 
"Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. 
Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me." 
Rippington walks over to the Smith house and knocks on the door.
The wife answers and asks what he wants. 
Rippington says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards." 
She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!" 
Rippington says, "I'll tell him."

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