Today's jokes [3.30.09]
Vote for the joke that you really like by checking a box next to it. Then press the VOTE button to submit your votes.
Also, links to joke categories and "Send to Friend" will open in a new window, so as not to interrupt your joke reading.
Whats blue and doesn't fit any more?
- A dead epileptic.
he Twelve Politically-Correct Days of Christmas
On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter
festival, my acquaintance-rape survivor gave to me,
TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual
ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made
up of members in good standing of the Musicians
Equity Union as called for in their union contract
even though they will not be asked to play a note...),
TEN melanin-deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the
patriarchal ruling class system leaping,
NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,
EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing
milk-products from enslaved bovine-Americans,
SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected
SIX enslaved fowl-Americans producing stolen nonhuman
FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced
(Note: after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened
to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French
hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native
habitat. To avoid further animal-American enslavement, the
remaining gift package has been revised.)
FOUR hours of recorded whale songs,
THREE deconstructionist poets,
TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed
...And a Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.
This guy walks into a quiet bar. He is carrying three ducks. One in
each hand and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar. He
has a few drinks and chats with the bartender.
The bartender is experienced and has learned not to ask people about
the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the
They chat for about 30 minutes before the bloke with the ducks has to
go to the rest room. The ducks are left on the Bar.
The bartender is alone with the ducks. There is an awkward silence.
The bartender decides to try to make some conversation.
"What's your name?" He says to the first duck. "Huey" said the duck.
"How's your day been?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day."
"Oh. That's nice," says the Bartender.
Then he says to the second duck, "Hi. And what's your name?"
"Dewey" came the answer.
"So how's your day been?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. If
I had the chance another day I would do the same again."
So the Bartender turns to the third duck and says, "So, you must be
"No", growls the 3rd duck, "My name is Puddles. And don't ask about my
A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed with
another man. So he dragged the man down the stairs to the garage and put
his Wet Willy in a vise. He secured it tightly and removed the handle.
Then he picked up a hacksaw. The man, terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop!
You're not going to...to...cut it off, are you???!?" The husband said,
with a gleam of revenge in his eye, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the
garage on fire."
One day a man was walking in the woods when he got lost.
For two days he roamed around trying to find a way out.
He had not eaten anything during this period and was
famished. Over on a rock ledge he spotted a bald eagle,
killed it, and started to eat it. Surprisingly a couple of
park rangers happen to find him at that moment, and
arrested him for killing an endangered species.
At court, he plead innocent to the charges against him
claiming that if he didn't eat the bald eagle he would
have died from starvation. The judge ruled in his favor.
In the judges closing statement he asked the man, "I
would like you to tell me something before I let you go.
I have never eaten a bald eagle, nor ever plan on it.
What did it taste like?" The man answered, "Well,
it tasted like a cross between a whooping crane and a
By voting you are helping select today's best joke. This helps us provide you with better quality humor in the future, as well as to select the best jokes to send in our daily best humor mailing.
Today's StoriesToday's PoemsToday's QuotesToday's Funny Pic
S M T W Th F St
2 3 4 5 6 7 8
9 10 11 12 13 14 15
16 17 18 19 20 21 22
23 24 25 26 27 28 29