Today's jokes [3.28.09]

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   An English taxidermist is sweating his way through the Australian
   outback when he comes across a bar. He staggers in between the beer
   swilling locals and in his well educated voice asks the bartender,
   "May I have a gin and tonic, please, my good man."
   
   One of the locals says to his mates, "Geez, cobbers, what kind of a
   fucking man's drink is that?"
   
   Then, turning to the Englishman, "Hey! You! Yes you, you fucking Pom!
   Gin and fucking tonic -- are you some fucking kind of a poofter or
   something?"
   
   "Ac...actually," the englishman, terrified, replies, "I'm a
   taxidermist."
   
   "Oh yeah? And what's a taxidermist then?"
   
   "I mount d..d..dead animals."
   
   "It's alright, cobbers," says the local, turning to his mates, "He's
   one of us!"
   

   Mr. Jones had hired a new secretary. She was young, sweet and very
   polite. While taking
   dictation one morning, she noticed that his fly was open. Upon leaving
   the room she said,
   "Mr. Jones, your barracks door is open."
   He was puzzled by her remark, but later that day he noticed that his
   zipper was open. So,
   he decided to have a little fun with his secretary and called her back
   into his office. "By the
   way Miss Smith," he said, "When you noticed my barracks door open this
   morning, did
   you also notice a soldier standing at attention ?"
   "Why no sir," she replied, "All I saw was a little disabled veteran
   sitting on two duffel
   bags."
   

Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no 
arms. The second no legs and the third has no body, just a 
head. They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all 
in the pool.

The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with 
no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the 
bottom.

Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can 
still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool,so he 
decides he had better dive down to rescue him.

He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and 
places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head 
starts coughing and spluttering.

Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: "Three 
years I've spent learning to swim with my fucking ears, then two 
minutes before the whistle, some asshole puts a swimming cap 
on me!"

                            Birth of a Candy Bar
     
   
     It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar.  I saw Miss
     Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and
     Fifth Avenue when I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, "hey
     Sweetheart, how'd you like to Krunch on my big hunk for a Million
     Dollar Bar?"  Well, she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll,
     and it was like Pure Almond Joy!  I couldn't help but grab her
     delicious Mounds because it was easy to see that this little
     Twix had the Red Hots.  It was all I could do to hold the Snicker
     and Crackle as my Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat
     and she started to scream "Oh Henry, Oh Henry!"  Soon she was
     fondling my Peter Pan and ZagNut and I knew it wouldn't be long
     before I blew my Milk Duds clear to Mars that gave her a taste of
     the old Milky Way.  She asked me if I was into M&M, but I said,
     "Hey Chicklet, no kinky stuff."  I said "Look you little Reese's
     Pieces, don't be a Zero, be a Lifesaver.  Why don't you take my
     Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Bit 'O' Honey?" (What a piece
     of Juicy Fruit she was, too!)  She screamed, "Oh Crackerjack,
     you're better than the Three Musketeers!" as I rammed my Ding Dong
     up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup.  Well, I was
     giving it to her Good 'N' Plenty, when all the sudden...my
     Starburst!  Yeah, as luck would have it, she started to grow
     Chunky and complained of a Wrigley in her stomach.  Sure enough,
     nine months later, out popped...........Baby Ruth!
  

The external organs of a body were fighting over who should be boss.
The brain said, "I should be boss, since I control what the person 
thinks." 
The hands said, "I should be boss because I do almost everything for the 
person."
The legs declared, "I shuld be boss since I carry the body and all the 
weight is on me."
So they went on, each stating their qualities and uses.
Then the Asshole spoke up, "I think I should be boss, because.."
He had not finished when everyone else started laughing at him. "You, an 
asshole, be the boss? You gotta be kidding!"
The asshole was very unhappy, and he closed himself up.
The body soon suffered a terrible constipation, and the organs could not 
take it anymore. "Ok, ok, you're the boss!" they gave
in. So the asshole became the boss of the body.

The moral of the story: You don't need brains to be a boss, you just need 
to be an asshole. 

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