Today's jokes [3.28.09]
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An English taxidermist is sweating his way through the Australian
outback when he comes across a bar. He staggers in between the beer
swilling locals and in his well educated voice asks the bartender,
"May I have a gin and tonic, please, my good man."
One of the locals says to his mates, "Geez, cobbers, what kind of a
fucking man's drink is that?"
Then, turning to the Englishman, "Hey! You! Yes you, you fucking Pom!
Gin and fucking tonic -- are you some fucking kind of a poofter or
"Ac...actually," the englishman, terrified, replies, "I'm a
"Oh yeah? And what's a taxidermist then?"
"I mount d..d..dead animals."
"It's alright, cobbers," says the local, turning to his mates, "He's
one of us!"
Mr. Jones had hired a new secretary. She was young, sweet and very
polite. While taking
dictation one morning, she noticed that his fly was open. Upon leaving
the room she said,
"Mr. Jones, your barracks door is open."
He was puzzled by her remark, but later that day he noticed that his
zipper was open. So,
he decided to have a little fun with his secretary and called her back
into his office. "By the
way Miss Smith," he said, "When you noticed my barracks door open this
you also notice a soldier standing at attention ?"
"Why no sir," she replied, "All I saw was a little disabled veteran
sitting on two duffel
Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no
arms. The second no legs and the third has no body, just a
head. They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all
in the pool.
The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with
no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the
Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can
still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool,so he
decides he had better dive down to rescue him.
He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and
places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head
starts coughing and spluttering.
Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: "Three
years I've spent learning to swim with my fucking ears, then two
minutes before the whistle, some asshole puts a swimming cap
Birth of a Candy Bar
It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar. I saw Miss
Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and
Fifth Avenue when I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, "hey
Sweetheart, how'd you like to Krunch on my big hunk for a Million
Dollar Bar?" Well, she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll,
and it was like Pure Almond Joy! I couldn't help but grab her
delicious Mounds because it was easy to see that this little
Twix had the Red Hots. It was all I could do to hold the Snicker
and Crackle as my Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat
and she started to scream "Oh Henry, Oh Henry!" Soon she was
fondling my Peter Pan and ZagNut and I knew it wouldn't be long
before I blew my Milk Duds clear to Mars that gave her a taste of
the old Milky Way. She asked me if I was into M&M, but I said,
"Hey Chicklet, no kinky stuff." I said "Look you little Reese's
Pieces, don't be a Zero, be a Lifesaver. Why don't you take my
Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Bit 'O' Honey?" (What a piece
of Juicy Fruit she was, too!) She screamed, "Oh Crackerjack,
you're better than the Three Musketeers!" as I rammed my Ding Dong
up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup. Well, I was
giving it to her Good 'N' Plenty, when all the sudden...my
Starburst! Yeah, as luck would have it, she started to grow
Chunky and complained of a Wrigley in her stomach. Sure enough,
nine months later, out popped...........Baby Ruth!
The external organs of a body were fighting over who should be boss.
The brain said, "I should be boss, since I control what the person
The hands said, "I should be boss because I do almost everything for the
The legs declared, "I shuld be boss since I carry the body and all the
weight is on me."
So they went on, each stating their qualities and uses.
Then the Asshole spoke up, "I think I should be boss, because.."
He had not finished when everyone else started laughing at him. "You, an
asshole, be the boss? You gotta be kidding!"
The asshole was very unhappy, and he closed himself up.
The body soon suffered a terrible constipation, and the organs could not
take it anymore. "Ok, ok, you're the boss!" they gave
in. So the asshole became the boss of the body.
The moral of the story: You don't need brains to be a boss, you just need
to be an asshole.
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