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Today's jokes [3.26.09]

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One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a 
picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one 
raises his/her hand. The teacher says "See it's long neck? What 
animal has a long neck?"

Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe. "Very good 
Sally," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. 
None of the students holds up his/her hands. "See the stripes on 
this animal? What animal has stripes?" Billy holds up his hand and 
says it is a zebra. "Very good Billy," the teacher replies. Next 
she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students recognized 
the animal.

"See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?"

Still no one guesses. "Let me give you another hint, it's 
something your mother calls your father."

Johnny shouts out "I know what it is, it's a horny bastard."

1. 




As a sergeant in a parachute regiment I took part in serveral night time
excersises. Once, I was seated next to a Lieutenant fresh from Jump 
School. He was quiet sad looked a bit pale so I struck up a conversation.
"Scared, Lieutenant?", I asked.
He replied, "No, just a bit apperhensive."
I asked, "What's the diffrence??"
He replied, "That means I'm scared with a university education."

2. 




A young Jewish boy starts attending public school in a small
town. The teacher of the one-room school decides to use her
position to try to influence the new student. She asks the
class, "Who was the greatest man that ever lived?"

A girl raises her hand and says, "I think George Washington
was the greatest man that ever lived because he is the Father
of our country." The teacher replies, "Well...that's a good
answer, but that's not the answer I am looking for."

Another young student raises his hand and says, "I think
Abraham Lincoln was the greatest man that lived because he
freed the slaves and helped end the civil war." ... "Well, that's
another good answer, but that is not the one I was looking for."

Then the new Jewish boy raises his hand and says, "I think
Jesus Christ was the greatest man that ever lived." The
teacher's mouth drops open in astonishment. "Yes!" she says,
"that's the answer I was looking for." She then brings him up to
the front of the classroom and gives him a lollipop.

Later, during recess, another Jewish boy approaches him as he
is licking his lollipop. He says, "Why did you say, 'Jesus Christ'?"

The boy stops licking his lollipop and replies, "I know it's
Moses, and YOU know it's Moses, but business is business."

3. 




What's the difference between hard and light? 

     - You can sleep with a light on. 

4. 




God's Human DNA Code



For many years molecular biologists have been mystified by the fact that very
little of an organism's DNA seems to serve any useful function.
 
I have solved the mystery.
 
The reason why only 30% of human DNA performs any useful function is that the
rest of it is comments.
 
Once we decode a typical human genome, we see that the contents begin as
follows:
 
===
/* HUMAN_DNA.H
 *
 * Human Genome
 * Version 2.1
 *
 * (C) God
 */
 
/* Revision history:
 *
 * 0000-00-01 00:00  1.0  Adam.
 * 0000-00-02 10:00  1.1  Eve.
 * 0000-00-03 02:11  1.2  Added penis code to male version. A bit messy --
 *                        will require a rewrite later on to make it neater.
 * 0017-03-12 03:14  1.3  Added extra sex drive to male.h; took code from
 *                        elephant-dna.c
 * 0145-10-03 16:33  1.4  Removed tail.
 * 1115-00-31 17:20  1.5  Shortened forearms, expanded brain case.
 * 2091-08-20 13:56  1.6  Opposable thumbs added to hand() routine.
 * 2501-04-09 14:04  1.7  Minor cosmetic improvements -- skin colour made
 *                        darker to match my own image.
 * 2909-07-12 02:21  1.8  Dentition inadequate; added extra 'wisdom' teeth.
 *                        Must remember to make mouth bigger to compensate.
 * 4501-12-31 14:18  1.9  Increase average height.
 * 5533-02-12 17:09  2.0  Added gay option, triggered by high population
 *                        density, to try and slow the overpopulation problem.
 * 6004-11-04 16:11  2.1  Made forefinger narrower to fit hole in centre of
 *                        CD.
 */
 
/* Standard definitions
 */
 
#define SEX male
#define HEIGHT 1.84
#define MASS 68
#define RACE caucasian
 
/* Include inherited traits from parent DNA files.
 *
 * Files must be pre-processed with MENDEL program to provide proper
 * inheritance features.
 */
 
#include "mother.h"
#include "father.h"
 
#infndef FATHER
#warn("Father unknown -- guessing\n")
#include "bastard.h"
#endif
 
/* Set up sex-specific functions and variables
 */
#include 
 
/* Kludged code -- I'll re-design this lot and re-write it as a proper
 * library sometime soon.
 */
struct genitals
   {
#ifdef MALE
   Penis *jt;
#endif
   /* G_spot *g;   Removed for debugging purposes */
#ifdef FEMALE
   Vagina *p;
#endif
   }
 
/* Initialization bootstrap routine -- called before DNA duplication.
 * Allocates buffers and sets up protein file pointers
 */
DNA *zygote_initialize(Sperm *, Ovum *);
 
/* MAIN INITIALIZATION CODE
 *
 * Returns structures containing pre-processed phenotypes for the organism
 * to display at birth.
 *
 * Will be improved later to make output less ugly.
 */
Characteristic *lookup_phenotype(Identifier *i);
===
 
...and so on.
 
 
[ Note that God uses three-space tabs ]



5. 



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