Today's jokes [3.24.09]
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A man stops by a diner at noon, the busiest time of day, sits down
at the counter and asks for a cup of coffee. The waitress, who is
very busy, gives him his coffee and rushes off to help the numerous
customers having lunch at the diner. The man, who uses both
creamer and sugar in his coffee, notices that the container is empty.
As the waitress rushes by, he asks her to bring him cream and sugar
for his coffee. The waitress, busier than she can ever remember being
before, rushes to the back to pick up more orders. As she passes the
cabinet where the extra sugar and cream are kept, she sets a plate down
and puts sugar cubes and creamer packets in her bosom because both
her hands are full. After she has served the two plates she was holding,
she returns to the man and asks him, "How many sugar cubes did you
want in your coffee?"
The man says, "Two's fine."
She reaches into her bra, pulls out two sugar cubes and drops them
into his cup. "And cream?" she asks.
The man looks at her, squarely in the eye and says,
"You wouldn't dare!"
What do you do when an epilectic takes a bath?
Throw in your laundry.
One of Sigmund Freud's early patients rushed out into an
Austrian afternoon on her way to meet her best friend at a
Over Cappuccino and Viennese pastries, she suddenly burst
Her friend begged her to share what was wrong.
"Oh, it's just terrible," she wailed. "Today the doctor told me
I'm in love with my father, and. . .and. . .and you know, he's a
If Scientists Wrote Nursery Rhymes
How many can you solve? (Answers below)
1. A research team proceeded toward the apex of a natural geologic
protuberance, the purpose of their expedition being the procurement of
a sample of fluid hydride of oxygen in a large vessel, the exact size
of which was unspecified. One member of the team precipitantly descended,
sustaining severe fractural damage to the upper cranial portion of his
anatomical structure. Subsequently, the second member of the team
performed a self-rotational translation oriented in the direction taken
by the first member.
2. Complications arose during an investigation of dietary influence: one
researcher was unable to assimilate adipose tissue and another was unable
to consume tissue consisting chiefly of muscle fiber. By reciprocal
arrangement between the two researchers, total consumption of the viands
under consideration was achieved, this leaving the original container of
the viands devoid of contents.
3. A young male human was situated near the intersection of two supporting
structural elements at right angles to each other: said subject was involved
in ingesting a saccharine composition prepared in conjunction with the ritual
observance of an annual fixed-day religious festival. Insertion into the
saccharine composition of the opposable digit of his forelimb was followed
by removal of a drupe of genus prune. Subsequently the subject made a
declarative statement regarding the high quality of his character as a
young male human.
4. A triumvirate of murine rodents totally deviod of ophthalmic acuity
were observed in a state of rapid locomotion in pursuit of an
agriculturalist's marital adjunct. Said adjunct then performed triple
caudectomy utilizing an acutely honed bladed instrument generally used
for the subdivision of edible tissue.
5. A female of the species homo sapiens was the possesor of a small
immature ruminant of the genus ovis, the outer most covering of which
reflected all wavelengths of visible light with a luminosity equal to
that mass of naturally occurring microscopically crystalline water.
Regardless of the translational pathway chosen by the homo sapien, the
probability was 1 that the forementioned ruminent would select the same
6. A human female, extremely captious and given to opposed behavior, was
questioned as to the dynamic state of her cultivated tract of land used
for production of various types of flora. The tract components were
enumerated as argentous tone-producing agents, a rare species of oceaninc
growth and pulchritudinous young females situated in a linear orientation.
1. Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water.
Jack fell down and broke his crown,
And Jill came tumbling after.
2. Jack Sprat could eat no fat.
His wife could eat no lean.
And so.......(I don't remember the words)
They ate the platter clean.
3. Little Jack Horner
Sat in the corner
Eating his Christmas pie
He stuck in his thumb
And pulled out a plum
And said "What a good boy am I!"
4. Three blind mice, three blind mice
See how they run, see how they run.
They all ran after the farmer's wife
Who cut off their tails with a carving knife
Did you ever see such a sight in your life
As three blind mice.
5. Mary had a Little Lamb
Whose fleece was white as snow.
And everywhere that Mary went,
The lamb was sure to go.
6. Mary, Mary, quite contrary,
How does your garden grow.
With silver bells, and cockle shells
And pretty maidens, all in a row.
A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner "Mom
& Pop" grocery picking out a pretty good size box of laundry
detergent. The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly,
asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.
"Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog."
"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very
powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In
fact, it might even kill him."
But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent
to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to
talk him out of washing his dog.
About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some
candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.
"Oh, he died," the boy said.
The grocer, trying not to be an "I-told-you-so", said he was
sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use
that detergent on your dog."
"Well, the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent
that killed him."
"Oh? What was it then?"
"I think it was the spin cycle!"
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