Today's jokes [3.22.09]

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Q: What's the differenc between a blond and a mosquito?

A: A mosquito stops sucking once you whack it.

   A sweet little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is
   working, and asks him, "Daddy, what's sex?"
   
   So, her father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and
   the bees.
   
   He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperm and eggs etc.
   
   He tells her about puberty, menstruation, men and women and love......
   
   He thinks what the hell, and tells her the works, thinking that to
   tell it all is the only way to tell truth.
   
   The girl is somewhat awe struck with this sudden influx of bizarre new
   knowledge, and her father finally asks, "So why did you wish to know
   about sex?"
   
   "Oh, mommy said lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..."
   

Tourist guide at zoo: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is the elephant, the
largest animal to roam the lands.  Every day the elephant eats 3 dozen 
bunches of bananas, 6 tons of hay, and 2000 pounds of assorted fruits.  
Madam, please don't stand near the elephant's backside.... Madam, PLEASE 
don't stand near the elephant's backside ... MADAM ... MADAM ..., too 
late;  George, dig her out."

During WW II an American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe
for three months, when he was finally given a week of R&R. He caught a
supply boat to a supply base in the south of England, then caught a
train to London. The train was extremely crowded and he could not find
a seat. He was dead on his feet and walked the length of the train
looking for any place to sit down.
Finally he found a compartment with seats facing each other; there was
room for two people on each seat. On one side sat only a proper looking,
older British lady, with a small dog sitting in the empty seat beside her.
"Could I please sit in that seat?" he asked.
The lady was insulted. "You bloody Americans are so rude", she said,
"can't you see my dog is sitting there"?
He walked through the train once more and still could not find a seat.
He found himself back at the same place.
"Lady I love dogs - have a couple at home - so I would be glad to hold
your dog if I can sit down", he said.
The lady replied, "You Americans are not only rude you are arrogant".
He leaned against the wall for a time, but was so tired he finally
said,
"Lady, I've been on the front lines in Europe for three months with
not a decent rest for all that time. Could I please sit there and hold your
dog?"
The lady replied, "You Americans are not only rude and arrogant, you
are also obnoxious."
With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped in, picked up the dog,
threw it out the window, and sat down.
The lady was speechless.
An older, neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on the other seat
spoke up. "Young man, I do not know if all you Americans fit the
lady's description of you or not. But I do know that you Americans do a lot
of things wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you hold your
fork with the wrong hand, and now you have just thrown the wrong bitch out
of the window."

This exchange was overheard between the separated sections 
of the jail. A male voice yells over to the female side: "I got 12 
inches over here you would love to have." 

The female response was: "Well, spit it out it isn't yours."

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