Today's jokes [3.21.09]

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New scientific theories

HONORABLE MENTION:  The quantity of consonants in the English
language is absolutely constant. If consonants are omitted in one
geographic area, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian "pahks"
his "cah", the lost r's migrate southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh"
his car and invest in "erl wells."

A guy's on the electric chair. The warden's just about to pull the switch
when the guy gets the hiccups. The warden says, "Do you have any last
requests?" The guy says, "(hic) Yeah... (hic) could you please do (hic)
could you please do something to scare me?"

What is a Blondes favorite nursery rhyme? 

Hump me dump me 

Process-Oriented God



           If God was process oriented, the Book of Genesis might read something like
                                              this:

             In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth.  The earth was
             without form and void, so God created a small committee.  He carefully
           balanced the committee vis-a-vis race, gender, ethnic origin, and economic
               status in order to interface pluralism with the holistic concept of
                    self-determination according to adjudicatory guidelines.
                          Even God was impressed, and so ended the first day.

           And God said, "Let the committee draw up a mission statement."  And behold,
             the committee decided to prioritize and strategize and God called that
                  process empowerment.  And God thought it sounded pretty good.
                              And evening and morning were the second day.

           And God said, "Let the committee determine goals and objectives and engage
               in long-term planning."  Unfortunately, a debate about the semantic
           differences between goals and objectives pre-empted almost all of the third
           day.  Although the question was never satisfactorily resolved, God thought
                                  the process was constructive.
                              And evening and morning were the third day.

            And God said, "Let there be a retreat in which the committee can envision
               functional organization and engage in planning by objectives."  The
          committee considered adjustment of priorities and consequential alternatives
          to program directions, and God saw that this was good.  And God thought that
              it was even worth all of the coffee and donuts that he had to supply.
                                      And so ended the fourth day.

          And God said, "Let the committee be implemented with long-range planning and
           strategy."  The committee considered guidelines and linkages and structural
            sensitivities, and alternatives and implemental models.  And God saw that
                                    this was very democratic.
                  And so would have ended the fifth day, except for the unintentional
            renewal of the debate about the differences between goals and objectives.

          On the sixth day the committee agreed on criteria for adjudicatory assessment
          and evaluation.  This wasn't the agenda that God had planned.  He wasn't able
           to attend, however, because he had to take the afternoon off to create day
           and night and heaven and earth and seas and plants and stars and trees and
           seasons and years and sun and moon and birds and fish and animals and human
                                             beings.

                  On the seventh day God rested and the committee submitted its
           recommendations.  It turned out that the recommended forms for things were
             nearly identical to the way that God had created them; so the committee
           passed a resolution commending God for his implementation according to the
           guidelines.  There was, however, some opinion expressed that people should
                           have been created in the committee's image.

                  And God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the committee . . .

   A little kid comes running into the backyard.
   
   He says, "Pop! Pop! Ma just got hit by a bus!"
   
   "Son, you know my lips are chapped. Please don't make me smile."
   

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