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Today's jokes [3.20.09]

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It was during a ball at Andrew Jackson's country home that the 
family physician approached Mrs. Jackson to say, "You're 
looking wonderful tonite, Rachel! What keeps you so radiant 
and effervescent?"

"Having such a popular husband, of course."

"Surely there must be more to it than that, madam."

"Well, there's Old Hickory's dickery, doc."



1. 




"Mr. Chilton," the analyst said, "I think this will be your last 
visit."

"Does that mean I'm cured?" he asked.

"For all practical purposes, yes," she said. "I think we can 
safely say that your kleptomania is now under control. You 
haven't stolen anything in two years, and you seem to know 
where the kleptomania came from."

"Well, that's terrific, Doctor. Before I go, I'd like to tell you 
something. Although our relationship is strictly professional, it's 
been one of the most rewarding of my life. I wish I could do 
something to repay you for helping me."

"You've paid my fee," the doctor said. "That's the only 
responsibility you have."

"I know," Chilton said. "But isn't there some personal favor I 
could do for you?"

"Well," the doctor said, "I'll tell you what. If you ever suffer a 
relapse, my son could use a nice portable color television."

2. 




A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue
across the street from each other. Since their schedules
intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car.
So they did. They drove it home and parked it in the
street between their establishments. 

A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the
priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn't need
a wash, so he ran out and asked the priest what he was
doing. "I'm blessing it" the priest replied.

The rabbi replied "Oh," then he ran back into the synagogue.
He reappeared a few minutes later with a hack saw, ran to the
car and cut off the last 2 inches of the tailpipe. 

3. 




A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife. He says to the
 doctor, "Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the
 first time and always asks me to repeat things." "Well," the doctor
 replied, "go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say
 something to her. If she doesn't reply move about 5 feet close and say it
 again. Keep doing this so that we'll get an idea about the severity of her
 deafness".

 Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He
 starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping
 some vegetables and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He hears no response.
 He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet
 closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about
 an inch away, and asks again, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

 She replies, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!"

4. 




Jewish telegram: “Begin worrying. Details to follow.”

5. 



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