Today's jokes [3.2.09]

Vote for the joke that you really like by checking a box next to it. Then press the VOTE button to submit your votes. Also, links to joke categories and "Send to Friend" will open in a new window, so as not to interrupt your joke reading.

Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done.
Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security

Q: What did the Jewish paedophile say to the little
   boy after luring him into his car?

A: Hey, go easy on those fucking sweets.

                        Best Analogies Ever Written
                                      
                             Originally from a
                                      
                          Washintgon Post Contest
     
   
Winners of the "worst analogies ever written in a high school essay"
contest.  (Actually most of them are similes --but... whatever)

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like
a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without
one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the
country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at
a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
(Joseph Romm, Washington)


She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that
used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you
banged the door open again. (Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station)


The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a
bowling ball wouldn't. (Russell Beland, Springfield)


McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag
filled with vegetable soup. (Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring)


From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an
eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another
city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30. (Roy
Ashley, Washington)


Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)


Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the
center. (Russell Beland, Springfield)


Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access
T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung
by mistake (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills)


Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.  (Unknown)


He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. (Jack Bross, Chevy
Chase)


The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when
you fry them in hot grease. (Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring)


Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a
movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like
"Second Tall Man." (Russell Beland, Springfield)


Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced
across the grassy field toward each other like two freight
trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55
mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
(Jennifer Hart, Arlington)


The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the
Dr. on a Dr Pepper can. (Wayne Goode, Madison, Ala.)


They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences
that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.)


John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who
had also never met. (Russell Beland, Springfield)


The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin
sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a
play. (Barbara Fetherolf, Alexandria)


His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances
like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free (Chuck Smith,
Woodbridge)


The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.
  

There was a costume party at a mental hospital; the theme of 
the party was "war". 

The first person comes up onto the stage and says, "I'm an 
atomic bomb." He gets his applause and steps down.

The second person comes up and says, "I'm a hydrogen 
bomb." Again, there's applause and he steps down.

And then a naked little man comes up to the stage and says, 
"I'm dynamite." 

Everybody runs away hysterically. When one of them is asked 
why, he says, "Didn't you see how small his fuse was?"

Little Boy: What will communism be like when perfected?

His Father: Everyone will have what he needs.

LB: But what if there is a shortage of meat?

HF: There will be a sign in the butcher shop saying,
"No one needs meat today."

By voting you are helping select today's best joke. This helps us provide you with better quality humor in the future, as well as to select the best jokes to send in our daily best humor mailing.

But wait! Don't forget to read Today's Stories Today's Poems Today's Quotes Today's Funny Pic   March '09 Jokes Issues: S M T W Th F St 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31