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Today's jokes [3.16.09]

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1/. When reaching your sexual climax do you?

a) Make low moaning sounds in her ear.
b) Suck on her neck to produce a love bite.
c) Shove your thumb up her arse so she screams her tits off.

2/. You're in bed one night and she whispers "I love you". Do you?

a) Whisper back "I love you too".
b) Put your arse on her leg and fart.
c) Say "Go to sleep dog breath".

3/. After you have made love to your wife do you?

a) Hold her in your arms until she falls asleep.
b) Wipe your dick on her nightie and turn over.
c) Tell the bitch to go get in with the kids.

4/. If you break wind during the night do you?

a) Try and cough at the same time and hope she didn't hear.
b) Hold her head under the covers laughing your bollocks off. c)
Blame her and give her a boot.

5/. If she breaks wind do you?

a) Be a gentleman and pretend you didn't hear.
b) Clout the bitch.
c) Say "you dirty bitch" and shove her out in the back yard.

6/. You come home early and find her in bed with a big buck negro.
Do you? a) Close the door quietly and clear off. b) Join in and
stick it up the negro's arse. c) Dowse them both with petrol and
set fire to the cunts.

7/. Your toilet's in the bathroom, you're busting for a crap and
she's in the bath. Do you?

a) Go next door and use theirs.
b) Yell "Move it goat face, the fuckin tortoise head's out of the
shell". c) Sit next to her making noises like a flock of starlings
taking off.

8/. You want sex but it's rag week. Do you?

a) Wait until next week.
b) Wank.
c) Get your face in there and come up looking like the man on the
Ribena ad.

9/. She announces she is leaving you. Do you?

a) Break down in tears and beg her to stay.
b) Put up streamers and arrange a street party.
c) Empty your nostrils in her face, kick her in the cunt, then get

10/. She tells you she's having an unwanted baby. Do you?

a) Tell her not to worry, we'll manage somehow.
b) Belt her in the guts with a cricket bat.
c) Sell the house, clean out the bank account and scarper.

SCORE: a) 1.  b) 2.  c) 3.

0 - 15.  If brains were spuds, you'd own Ireland.
15 - 29.  You must try harder.
30.  Congrats. You're one of the boys.


A man phones a mental hospital and asks the receptionist if
there is anybody in room 27. She goes and checks, and comes
back to the phone, telling him No, the room is empty. 

"Good," says the man. "That means I must have really escaped."


A certain college professor was notorious for getting off the topic of
the lecture, and on to his favorite subject: the evils of marijuana.
Off he went one day into his inventory of horrors, "Used regularly," he 
explained, "pot can cause psychic disorientation, sterility, cancer and 
"Now wait a minute, professor," interrupted a student. "Castration?
That's absurd!"
"Yes young man, it's sadly true," replied the professor smugly. "Just 
suppose your girlfriend gets the munchies!"


   Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning
   service, and she's in tears.
   He says, "So what's bothering you, dear?"
   She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away
   last night."
   The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he
   have any last requests?"
   She says, "That he did, Father..."
   The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
   She says, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down the Goddamn gun...'"


   This rich couple were going out for the evening when the woman of the
   house decided to
   give the butler the rest of the night off. She said they would be home
   very late and he
   should just enjoy his night. Well, as it turned out the wife wasn't
   having a good time at the
   party, and came home early.As she walks into the house she sees Jeeves
   sitting by himself
   in the dining room. She calls for him to follow her. She leads him
   into the master bedroom,
   where she closes and locks the door. She looks at him and smiles.
   "Jeeves. Take off
   my dress." He does this carefully. "Jeeves. Take off my stockings and
   garter." He
   silently obeys her. "Jeeves. Remove my bra and panties." As he does
   this, the tension
   continues to mount. She looks at him. "Jeeves. If I ever catch you
   wearing my clothes
   again, you're fired!"


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