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Today's jokes [3.13.09]

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Woman: Two *Achoo!* tickets, please. 
Clerk: Have you purchased tickets here before? 
Woman: *cough* No. 
Clerk: Then I need your address. 
Woman: Okay. It's 260..*AHEM* Sorry..Laryngitis... 
Clerk: You'll have to spell that one for me.


"Get this." said the bloke to his mates, "Last night while I was 
down the pub with you guys, a burglar broke into my house.
"Did he get anything." his mates asked.
"yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken nuts. 
The wife thought it was me coming home drunk."


Sidney has a problem with premature ejaculation, so he pays a visit to a 
sex shop for a remedy. The clerk hands him a little purple can and 
says, "This is Stay-Hard spray... put on a little and you can go all 
Excited, Sidney takes it home, stashes it in the cellar on a shelf, and 
waits eagerly for bedtime. Later that night, he sprays some on his member 
and then goes upstairs to his wife. To his utter disappointment, however, 
the remedy seems to make him orgasm quicker than ever.
The next day, Sidney returns to the sex shop, angrily slammed the can down 
on the counter, and snaps, "This stuff makes me worse than before!"
Upon reading the label, the clerk asks, "I don't suppose your hid this 
stuff on your basement shelf, did you?"
"Yeah, so?"
"You must have grabbed the wrong can, sir... this is Easy-Off."


A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in the hospital. 
"How are you grandpa?"  he asks.
"Feeling fine," says the old man.
"What's the food like?"
"Terrific, wonderful menus."
"And the nursing?"
"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care 
of you."
"What about sleeping?  Do you sleep okay?"
"No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night.  At 10 
o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra 
tablet, and that's it.  I go out like a light."
The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so he 
rushes off to question the Nurse in charge. "What are you 
people doing?" he asks.  "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old 
Viagra on a daily basis.  Surely that can't be true?"
"Oh, yes," replies the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give 
him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet.  It works 
wonderfully well.  The chocolate makes him sleep, and the 
Viagra stops him rolling out of bed."


Why does a dog lick his balls?
             Because he can't make a fist. 


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