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Today's jokes [3.12.09]

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A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down.
The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the
blind man and hands him a menu. 
"I'm sorry sir, but I am blind, and can't read the
menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous
customer, I'll smell it and order from there." 
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty
dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to
the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind
man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep
breath. "Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and
mashed potatoes." 
Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks
towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's
wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind
man eats his meal and leaves. 

Several days later the blind man returns and the owner
mistakingly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me?
I'm the blind man."
"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a
dirty fork." 
The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to
the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man
says, "That smells great, I'll take the Macarroni and
chesse with broccoli. Once again walking away in disbelief,
the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him
and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes
in he's going to test him. 
The blind man eats and leaves. 

He returns the following week, but this time the owner see's
him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary
rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man." 
Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind
man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. 
"Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have
the fork ready for you." 
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and
says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here?"


The new hooker had just finished her first trick. When
she came back down to the street, the seasoned veterans
all gathered around to hear the details. She said,
"Well, he was a big, muscular and handsome marine." 

"Well? What did he want to do?" they all asked. 

She said, "I told him that a straight lay was $100, but
he said he did not have that much. So, I told him a blow
job would be $75, but he did not have that much either.
Finally I said, 'Well how much do you have?' The marine
said he only had $25. So, I told him, 'For $25, all I
can give you is a hand job.' He agreed and after getting
the finances straight, he pulled it out. I put one
hand on it. Then, I put the other hand above that one." 

She paused, raised her eyebrows, and then continues,
"Then I put the first hand above the second hand..." 

"Oh my God!" they all exclaimed, "it must have been huge!
Then what did you do?" 

"I loaned him $75!" 


An old bloke in the Northern Territory was showing some tourists how to 
top up a camel with water.
"That way," he said, "You get an extra day out of them between drinks."
As the camel bent down to drink, the bloke picked up two bricks and bashed 
them over the camel's balls.
The camel sucked in its breath and took on three days' extra water.
"Doesn't that hurt?" asked a tourist.
"Nah," replied the bloke. "Only if you get your fingers caught!"


Q:  Whats the difference between Monica and a Soda machine?

A:  They both have, "incert Bill"!


O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when 
he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet 
running down his leg.
"Please, God," he implored, "let it be blood!"


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