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Today's jokes [3.11.09]

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There was a young Scotsman called Andy,
Who knocked over his bottle of Shandy.
He lifted his kilt,
To wipe up what he spilt,
And the barmaid said, "Blimey! That's handy!" 

1. 




On the night of a Halloween costume party a couple were having
trouble picking suitable outfits. After a while the wife got mad
and stormed out of the room. Fifteen minutes later she came back
completely naked execpt for a lemon between her legs. 

The husband looked at her for a moment and then stormed out of
the room himself. Twenty minutes passed and then he came back
himself with a potato around his dick.

The wife gave him a wierd look and then the husband replied
"If your going as a sour-puss, I going as a dictator". 

2. 




A girl called the police department and reported that she had been 
assaulted. The officer who answered the phone, asked, "When did this 
happen?" She replied, "Last week." The police then asked, "Why did you 
wait until now to report it?" Well," she said. "I didn't know that I was 
assaulted until the check bounced." 

3. 




There once was a young Irish woman who went to confession. Upon entering 
the confessional she said, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned." The 
priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven." The young woman said, 
"Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."
The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Take seven lemons and 
squeeze them into a glass and then drink it."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The priest said "NO, but it will wipe the smile off of your face."

4. 




British Military Officer Fitness Reports



The British Military writes OFR's (officer fitness reports).  The form used
for Royal Navy and Marines fitness reports is the S206.  The following are
actual excerpts taken from people's "206's"....

- His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.

- I would not breed from this Officer.

- This Officer is really not so much of a has-been,
  but more of a definitely won't-be.

- When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change
  whichever foot was previously in there.

- He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire
  satisfaction.

- He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.

- Technically sound, but socially impossible.

- This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around
  at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.

- This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

- When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then
  he has aged considerably.

- This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to
  port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.

- Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.

- She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve
  them.

- He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.

- This Officer should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.

- In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.

- The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.

- Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a
  trap

- This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

- Only occasionally wets himself under pressure



5. 



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