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Today's jokes [2.5.09]

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"How did it happen?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set
the man's broken leg.

"Well, doc, 25 years ago ..."

"Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning."

"Like I was saying...25 years ago, when I first started working on the
farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful
daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted.

I said no, everything is fine. "Are you sure?", she asked. "I'm sure,
I said. "Isn't there anything I can do for you?" she wanted to know.
"I reckon not" I replied ...

"Excuse me," said the doctor, "What does this story have to do with your leg?"

"Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me what
she meant, I fell off the roof!"

1. 




A rather senile old lady went to her doctor complaining of
draining and a feeling of fullness in her ear. After the
examination, the doctor initiated a conversation that went
as follows:

D: Why madam, I think you have a suppository in your ear.
L: ?eh?
D: Madam - You have a SUPPOSITORY in your EAR!
L: ??EH??
D: (shouting) --IN YOUR EAR! -- A SUPPOSITORY!!!
L: Oh, thank Goodness - now I know where I put my hearing aid....


2. 




A fellow, who had spent his whole life in the desert, comes to visit 
a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on.  While
standing in the middle of the railroad tracks one day, he hears this
whistle -- Whooee da Whoee! -- but doesn't know what it is.

Predictably, he's hit and is thrown to the side of the tracks. It was
only a glancing blow, so he was fortunate to receive some minor internal
injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.

After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house
attending a party one evening. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears
the teakettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet
and proceeds to batter and bash the teakettle into an unrecognizable
lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen,
sees what's happened and asks the desert man, "Why'd you ruin my good
tea kettle?"

The desert man replies, "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're
small."

3. 




A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in 
the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The 
bus seats are uncomfortable.The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's 
too cold. The accommodations are awful.

The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. 
"Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the 
Blarney Stone,"the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being 
cleaned today and so no one willbe able to kiss it. Perhaps we 
can come back tomorrow."

"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We 
have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss 
the stupid stone."

"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone 
who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."

"And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.

"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."

4. 




Did you here what Monica Lewinskys' mother said when she brought home her
dress?
What,doesn't the White House have any club soda?

5. 



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