Today's jokes [2.27.09]

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Dear ________,

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further 
contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition 
was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as 
yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your 
name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find 
better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer 
the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition.
Check those that apply...

___Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating 
it, or subjecting my children to it.
___Your first name is objectionable. It's just not something I can picture 
myself yelling out in a fit of passion.
___The fact that our dining experiences to date has left MY wallet a 
little lighter, and YOUR pants a little tighter!
___Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by thetruckload" 
indicates that you may be interested in me for something otherthan my 
personality.
___You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about 
yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.
___Your constant emailing shows me you have TOO much time onyour 
hands!
___Your legs are skinnier than mine.
___You're too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten 
up repeatedly at recess.
___You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic neck condition from trying 
to
kiss you.
___You have a hairy back.
___I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.
___The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals aninherent 
slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.
___The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in conversation.
___You still live with your parents.
___Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of StarTrek
u
niforms a little disconcerting.
___Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect 
that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.
___Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I amseeking in 
a long term partner.
___Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should, 
however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit 
your application.
___Somehow I doubt those condoms I found in your overnight bag were really 
necessary for a successful business trip.
___I am out of your league, set your sights lower next time.

Sincerely,
___________

A defending attorney was cross examining a coroner.
The attorney asks, "Before you signed the
death certificate had you taken the man's pulse?" 
The coroner says, "No." 
The attorney then asks, "Did you listen for a heart beat?" 
"No." 
"So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken
any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?" 
The corner, now tired of the brow beating says, "Well, let me
put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my
desk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing law
somewhere." 

A man calls his wife and says to her, "Honey, I just got the chance of a
lifetime to go on a week-long fishing trip with my boss.  Could you pack
up my things so that they will be ready when I get home?" "Sure, honey," his
wife answers."Oh, and could you please pack my blue silk pyjamas?" "Sure,
honey," his wife answers again. The man comes home, picks up his things and
takes off for the week. He returns a week later, smiling.  His wife greets
him at the
front door. "So honey, how was your fishing trip?"
"It was great..." the husband answers. "But you forgot to pack my blue
silk pyjamas." "No I didn't," said his wife.  "They were in your tacklebox."

What is pink and moist and split in the middle?

A grapefruit!

A college professor in an anatomy class asked his students to sketch a 
naked man. As the professor walked around the class checking the sketches 
he noticed that a sexy young coed had sketched the man with an erect 
penis. The professor commented, "Oh, no, I wanted it the other way." She 
replied, "What other way?"

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