Today's jokes [2.27.09]
Vote for the joke that you really like by checking a box next to it. Then press the VOTE button to submit your votes.
Also, links to joke categories and "Send to Friend" will open in a new window, so as not to interrupt your joke reading.
I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further
contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition
was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as
yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your
name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find
better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer
the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition.
Check those that apply...
___Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating
it, or subjecting my children to it.
___Your first name is objectionable. It's just not something I can picture
myself yelling out in a fit of passion.
___The fact that our dining experiences to date has left MY wallet a
little lighter, and YOUR pants a little tighter!
___Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by thetruckload"
indicates that you may be interested in me for something otherthan my
___You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about
yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.
___Your constant emailing shows me you have TOO much time onyour
___Your legs are skinnier than mine.
___You're too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten
up repeatedly at recess.
___You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic neck condition from trying
___You have a hairy back.
___I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.
___The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals aninherent
slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.
___The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in conversation.
___You still live with your parents.
___Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of StarTrek
niforms a little disconcerting.
___Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect
that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.
___Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I amseeking in
a long term partner.
___Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should,
however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit
___Somehow I doubt those condoms I found in your overnight bag were really
necessary for a successful business trip.
___I am out of your league, set your sights lower next time.
A defending attorney was cross examining a coroner.
The attorney asks, "Before you signed the
death certificate had you taken the man's pulse?"
The coroner says, "No."
The attorney then asks, "Did you listen for a heart beat?"
"So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken
any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?"
The corner, now tired of the brow beating says, "Well, let me
put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my
desk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing law
A man calls his wife and says to her, "Honey, I just got the chance of a
lifetime to go on a week-long fishing trip with my boss. Could you pack
up my things so that they will be ready when I get home?" "Sure, honey," his
wife answers."Oh, and could you please pack my blue silk pyjamas?" "Sure,
honey," his wife answers again. The man comes home, picks up his things and
takes off for the week. He returns a week later, smiling. His wife greets
him at the
front door. "So honey, how was your fishing trip?"
"It was great..." the husband answers. "But you forgot to pack my blue
silk pyjamas." "No I didn't," said his wife. "They were in your tacklebox."
What is pink and moist and split in the middle?
A college professor in an anatomy class asked his students to sketch a
naked man. As the professor walked around the class checking the sketches
he noticed that a sexy young coed had sketched the man with an erect
penis. The professor commented, "Oh, no, I wanted it the other way." She
replied, "What other way?"
By voting you are helping select today's best joke. This helps us provide you with better quality humor in the future, as well as to select the best jokes to send in our daily best humor mailing.
Today's StoriesToday's PoemsToday's QuotesToday's Funny Pic
S M T W Th F St
1 2 3 4 5 6 7
8 9 10 11 12 13 14
15 16 17 18 19 20 21
22 23 24 25 26 27 28