Today's jokes [2.21.09]

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A guy was sitting in a bar when a stranger
walked up to him and asked, "If you woke up
in the woods and scratched your butt
and felt vasoline, would you tell anyone?"

"Hell no!" the guy said.

The stranger then asked, "If you felt further into your
crack and pulled out a used condom, would you tell anyone?"

The man said, "Of course not."

"Wanna go camping?" 

What has two legs, spots, and bleeds? 

Half a cheetah.

The Engineer had just returned from a week long seminar. His 
boss, instead of asking about the details, asked if were sick as 
he looked absolutely terrible. "Well..." said the Engineer, "I met 
this blonde and turned out she was an engineer-in-training and 
wanted me to tutor her. One thing lead to another and we 
ended up back in her room having wild gorilla sex all night."

"OK," replied the boss, "that may explain your fatigue, but why 
are your eyes so red ?"

"Well..." said the Engineer, "turns out she was married and had 
a baby at home. She started crying, and I started thinking 
about my own wife and kids, so I cried too."

"I see." chided the boss, "but that seminar ended Friday. How 
come you still appear so ragged ?"

"Well..." said the Engineer, "you can't sit there and cry 4-5 
times a day for four days and not look like this."

   This guy and his girlfriend are fighting....she says "I'm breaking up
   with you." "Why??"
   he asks. She says "because you are a pedophile".
   He says "Pedophile?????? Hmmmm that's an awfully big word for a 10
   year old."
   

Q: Did you hear about the Irishman who went duck hunting?
A: He didn't get any because he couldn't throw the dog high enough.

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