Today's jokes [2.20.09]

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A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in 
animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their 
conversation at first, but she listens in horror as one of the men says 
the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, dey come together. I come again. 
Two asses, dey come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I 
come once-a more."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly, "in this country 
we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" 
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man, "Imma just tellun my friend howa to 
spella Mississippi."

The couple was dining out when the wife noticed a familiar face at the 
bar. "Elliot," she said, pointing "do you see that man downing bourbon at 
the bar?"
The husband looked over and nodded. "Well," the woman continued, "he's 
been drinking like that for 10 years, ever since I jilted him!"
The husband returned to his meal. "Nonsense," he said, "even that's not 
worth so much celebrating!"

Q: How is a woman like a condom?
A: Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

These two guys had just gotten divorces and they swore they 
would never have anything to do with women again.  They 
were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as 
far north as they could go and never look at a woman 
again.

They got up there and went into a trader's store and told 
him, "Give us enough supplies to last two men for one 
year." The trader got the gear together and on top of each 
one's supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur 
around the hole.  The guyssaid "What's that board for?"  
The trader said, "Well, where you're going there are no 
women and you might need this."

They said "No way! We've sworn off women for life!"  The 
trader said," Well. take the boards with you, and if you 
don't use themI'll refund your money next year.  "Okay," 
they said and left.

Next year this guy came into the trader's store and said 
"Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year."  
The trader said, "Weren't you in here last year with a 
partner?"

"Yeah" said the guy.

"Where is he?" asked the trader.

"I shot him" said the guy.

"Why?"

"I caught him in bed with my board."

The daughter of an Indian chief visits his doctor. She tells the doctor 
"Big Chief no fart." The doctor tells her to give him three pills a day. 
The girl comes back the next day and tells the doctor, "Big Chief no 
fart." The doctor then gets really worried and tells her to give him ten 
pills an hour. The girl comes back the next day and says, "Big Chief no 
fart." After hearing this the doctor gets so pissed off that he tells her 
to give him a jar an hour. The next day the girl comes back crying and 
says "Big fart no Chief!" 

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