Today's jokes [2.13.09]

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Selections From the Scholastic Aptitude Preparatory Test

                                           (the S.A.P.)



                   ENGLISH
     
1.  Which of the following is the correct answer to this question?
    a.   b.   c.   d.   e. none of the above
     
2.  ingot:bleak   ::   ingot:_______
    a. tepid   b. gold   c. oak   d. bolonga   e. bleak
     
3.  pork:algae   ::   green:_______
    a. six   b. five   c. ten   d. marble   e. red
     
4.  mugger:park   ::   king:_______
    a. castle   b. burger   c. queen   d. Jacuzzi   e. bleak
     
     
                READING COMPREHENSION
     
Read the following carefully and answer the questions below.
    
  In addition to the obvious effects of solar activity on the upper
atmosphere, some scientists contend that it also affects the
weather.  These contentions, however, are for the most part
unconfirmed and some are very dubious.  Even further afield, a
British researcher on epidemiology claimed last year that "the
periods of world dominance of successive major subtypes of influenza
virus have synchronized closely with the periodicity of sunspots."
Correlatons of biomedical phenomenon with solar activity, such as
this one, are generally not taken seriously by most Western scintists.
Many researchers in the Soviet Union, however, do believe in such
possibilites, including even a correlation of sunspots with outbreaks
of plague-spreading rodents in central Asia.
     
1.  In what lanuage is the British researcher speaking?
    a. Japanese   b. Urdu   c. Bengali   d. British   e. Media
     
2.  The term "most Western" means
    a. Hawaii   b. John Ford's longest film   c. nothing   d. correct
     
3.  A conclusion that could be drawn from this passage is
    a. Russian scientists are idiots and Russia is full of rats
    b. The sun has sunspots
    c. Don't ask a question of a British researcher if you want an answer
    d. all of the above
     
     
                  MATHEMATICS
     
1.  Which of the following is a number?
    a. blue   b. Jacques Cousteau   c. watermelon   d. John Doe   e. 5
     
2.  If Juan is fourteen and weighs 150 pounds, and Grover is nine
    and weighs 70 pounds, what is the probability that Juan can
    get anything he wants from Grover?
    a. 0%   b. 100%   c. a and b   d. a only   e. b only
     
3.  Delbert McBumm wants to pawn a hundred-dollar watch.  The
    pawnbroker gives him eleven dollars for it and then sells it
    for a hundred and twenty-five.  What was the relative rate of
    mark-up in the watch in relation to half of its worth, if the
    worth is calculated at three-quarters the difference between
    the pawnbrokers's offer and 78% of Delbert's assessment of the
    watch's value?
    a. 100   b. 50   c. 75   d. 115   e. none of the above
    
                                           /\50 6/\
5. Calculate the shaded area             6/  \__/  \2
    of the figure at the right.          /     2    |
    a. 0   b. 50%   c. c only            \    /\    |
    d. the answer is a                   9\  /7 \   |10
    e. go back, it's a                     \/   8\__|
     
6.  Grant McSwine is a repairman.  If he tells Mr. White that it
    will take him about 10 hours to do a specific job, how long will
    it really take him?
    a. six weeks   b. half an hour   c. about three hundred dollars longer
    d. not enough information because the type of repair is not indicated
     
     
                   QUANTITATIVE COMPARISON
     
In the following questions you are asked to compare two quantities.
These quantities may be equal, or one may be bigger, or neither.
On your answer sheet choose a if b is bigger, choose b if a and b
are equal, choose c if a is bigger, choose d if neither one is
bigger, choose e if both are bigger, choose f if the answer cannot
be determined from the information given, choose g if you have no
idea.
     
          a. 2                           b. 15
          a. the area of a circle        b. the area of a square
             whose area is 10               whose area is 10
          a. my dad                      b. your dad
          a. New York City               b. Limpid, Iowa
          a. something                   b. nothing
          a. a mountain                  b. a molehill

What two things in the air will get a women pregnant? 

     Her legs. 

I know I haven't known you very long and I shouldn't be asking you for
this so soon, but I really need it badly.  I haven't had it for a while
and I can already feel it going in good and hard and coming out nice and
soft. If you would do this for me no one would ever know. I am sure you
can satisfy my needs and I'd be very grateful if you would. I am very
desperate and I need your help.  You must think by now that I have a lot
of nerve but I can feel my tongue wrapping around it and sucking out all
the juices until it's very dry.  I am not going to beat around the bush
any longer so...

Do you have a piece of gum?

Dentist: "Would you help me out? I'd like you to
give a few of your loudest screams." 
Patient: "Why, Doc? It isn't all that bad this time." 
Dentist: "Well, there are about 20 people in the
waiting room right now, and I don't want to miss
the five o'clock Braves game on Channel 4." 

How are husbands like lawn mowers?

They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time 
they don't work.

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