Today's jokes [12.7.09]

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A wife comes home unexpectedly one day and finds her husband in bed with a 
lady midget. Upset and furious over his actions, the woman screams, "You 
promised me two weeks ago that you would never cheat on me again!" Trying
his best to calm her down, the husband turns to his wife and says, "Take 
it easy Dear, Can't you see I'm trying to taper off?"

A little boy was learning about God in his church, and he was talking to 
his mother about it. She, not wanting to place prejudice in the little 
boy's mind, sat him and said: "God is not a man or a woman, and God is not 
black or white."
To which the child responded, "Well, then is God Michael Jackson?" 

Millennia Year Application Software System



  This memo is to announce the development of a new firm-wide software
  system. We are currently building a data center that will contain all
  firm data that is Year 2000 compliant. The program is referred to as
  the "Millennia Year Application Software System" (MYASS).
  
  Next Monday at 9:00 there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS
  to everyone. We will continue to hold demonstrations throughout the
  month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good
  look at MYASS.  As for the status of the implementation of the
  program, I have not addressed the networking aspects so currently only
  one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed
  after MYASS expands.
  
  Several people are using the program already and have come to depend
  on it. Just this morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was
  not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS. I've
  noticed that some of the less technical personnel are somewhat afraid
  of MYASS. Just last week, when asked to enter some information into
  the program, I had a secretary say to me "I'm a little nervous, I've
  never put anything in MYASS before." I volunteered to help her through
  her first time and when we were through she admitted that it was
  relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it
  again. She went so far as to say that after using SAP and Oracle, she
  was ready to kiss MYASS.
  
  I know there are concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon
  initial installation, but I am pleased to say the virus has been
  eliminated and we were able to save MYASS.  In the future, however,
  protection will be required prior to entering MYASS. We planned this
  database to encompass all information associated with the business. So
  as you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want
  into MYASS.  As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be
  commonplace to walk by an office and see a manager hand a paper to an
  employee and say "Here, stick this in MYASS".  This program has
  already demonstrated great benefit to the company during recent OSHA
  and EPA audits. After requesting certain historical data the agency
  representatives were amazed at how quickly we provided the
  information. When asked how the numbers could be retrieved so rapidly
  our Environmental Manager proudly stated "Simple, I just pulled them
  out of MYASS."

Why do elephants have 4 feet? 

    -Because 4 inches isn't enough. 

    Greetings prospective White House interns! This year, our
   program is heading into its 69th year of bringing America's best and
   brightest to the Nation's Capitol to help the "Head Man" do his job.
   We expect that 1998 will be the most exciting one yet! Why, you might
   be asking yourself, do I want to be a part of this demanding, yet
   rewarding program?
   Check this out:
   * Be a part of the action in the pulsing, throbbing political scene of
   the hottest city in the world!
   * Get up close and personal with some of America's movers and shakers!
   * See rooms in the White House that even a VIP tour won't show you!
   * Get total access to plenty of sensitive Presidential activities!
   Sound like it's for you? Just listen to this testimonial from a former
   intern: "I couldn't believe it! After only a few months on the job
   answering phones and fetching coffee, there I was, debriefing the
   president. ...Getting involved in executive branch affairs is just
   fantastic."- M. Lewinsky, Beverly Hills, Calif. As you can see, being
   a White House intern is more than long hours, hot debates and touchy
   national issues. Still interested? Fill out this information form and
   send it to the White House at [3]president@whitehouse.gov 
   Name:
   Hometown:
   Sex: F__
   Age:
   Measurements: (required for medical purposes)
   How many beers it takes to get you... ...Giggly: ...Drunk: ...Hot:
   ...To lie to a federal prosecutor:...
   You've always considered the White House: a) a monument to democracy
   b) the place where great leaders meet c) vaguely erotic d) extremely
   erotic
   Hillary Clinton is a(n): a) model wife and mother b) icon of late 20th
   century femininity c) an obstacle d) inappropriate companion for the
   leader of the free world
   You've always wanted to know more about the President's: a) Israeli
   policies b) childhood in Hope, Ark. c) romper room d) "monument to
   democracy"
   My social life as an intern would likely consist of: a) hitting
   Georgetown bars with the other interns b) reading, study c) late
   nights working at the White House d) late nights working the White
   House
   Score 1 point for each a, 2 for each b, 3 for each c, 4 for each d.
   Scores of 16 can start tomorrow. Scores of 12 and above, please call
   soon, Uncle Sam wants you.
   *Please feel free to forward this form to anyone you know who might be
   interested in this program. The White House is an equal opportunity
   employer.

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