Today's jokes [12.6.09]

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   A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening
   the front door.
   "Hurry!" she said, "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil
   all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move
   until I tell you to." she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
   "What's this, honey?" the husband asked as he entered the room. "Oh,
   it's just a statue." she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one
   for their bedroom. I liked the idea so much, I got one for us too." No
   more was said about the "statue."
   Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went into the
   kitchen, and returned with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here." he
   said to the 'statue.' "Eat this. I stood like an idiot at the Smith's
   for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water."

   Mr. Schneider stood up in court. "As God is my judge, I do not owe my
   ex-wife any money."
   
   Glaring down at him, the judge replied, "He's not.  I am.  You do."

Kid: Teacher can I go to the bathroom?
Teacher: You have to say your ABC's first
Kid: Ok,
a,b,c,d,e,f,g,h,i,j,k,l,m,n,o,q,r,s,t,u, v,w.x.y, and z
Teacher: Where's the p?
Kid: It's running down my leg!!

Sent by Jenna

Two nuns were driving alone out in the boonies. They ran out of gas. 
Fortunately they could walk to a gas station not far away, where they 
asked to purchase a can of gasoline. "I'm sorry, sister," said the 
attendant, "but all I have for you to carry it in is an old chamber
pot. The nuns agreed that this would be fine. They returned to the car.
As they were pouring the gasoline into the tank, a man drove by, stopped 
his car, and said, "Oh sister, if only I had your faith."

The church was conducting its annual fund drive. One member of the 
congregation said, "I give ten dollars." Just then, a piece of plaster 
fell from the ceiling and landed on his head. He spoke up again quickly. 
"I give a thousand dollars!"
The minister said, "Lord, hit him again!" 

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