Today's jokes [12.5.09]

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One day God called the Pope, and he said "John Paul I have good news and 
bad news. First the good news. I am tired of all the squabbling between 
the religions. I have decided there will be only the one true religion". 
The Pope was overjoyed and told God how wise his decision was, then asked 
"What's the bad news?". God said the bad news is that I am calling from 
Salt Lake City. 

Q: Why did the woman cross the road?
A: More to the point, what was she doing outside of the kitchen?

   Little Johnny's mother decided to give her son an anatomy lesson one
   day, so she took off all of her clothes and pointed to her vagina, and
   said, "Johnny. This is where you come from."
   
   Johnny went to school the next day smiling and insisting all his
   friends now refer to him as "Lucky Johnny."
   
   "Why?" one asked.
   
   Johnny held his fingers an inch apart and said, "Because I came this
   close to being a turd."
   

How do you get a one armed MAN out of a tree?

Wave at him. 

Like, A Totally California State Residency Application...
   man...
   Name:
   (Feel free to use popular nicknames, such as "Moon Beam", "Dweezil",
   "Moon Unit" "Capt. Trips", etc.)

   Age: _____________

   Inner Child's Age: _______

   Age in Dog Years: _______

   Age as told to you in a vision by ancient Mayan calendar: ________
   Sex:

   _____ M   _____ F

   _____ Hermaphrodite

   _____ Still working it out in therapy

   Footwear: ____ Birkenstocks ____ Barefoot
   Condition of Feet:

   ____ Wash Daily   ____ Wash Weekly

   ____ Like, whenever I get to
   the beach, man...
   Occupation:
   ___ Massage Therapist
   ___ Astral Counsel
   ___ Pet Psychologist
   ___ Channeler of the Dead (real dead, not
   merely Grateful)
   ___ Follower of the Dead, (Grateful)
   ___ Tie-dye vendor at Dead Shows
   ___ Vendor of "nice hot, fresh veggie
   burritos" at concerts
   ___ Cooking up a scheme to channel Jerry
   Garcia
   ___ Assistant to Shirley MacLaine
   ___ Rent-A-Mob protester
   ___ Purveyor of Fine Herbal Remedies
   ___ Panhandler claiming to be a veteran
   ___ Professional Guest on Ricki Lake
   ___ LA rock star groupie
   ___ Bottom-feeding LA lawyer
   ___ Professional Emotional Victim

   Name(s) of Significant Other(s): ________________________________
   Relationship(s) of Significant Other(s):

   ____ Astral Soulmate

   ____ One-night stand from the protest rally who stayed because the
   rent
   was cheap

   ____ My dog's massage therapist

   ____ "Just Friends"

   ____ They're really not that significant, but I'll try to claim them
   as
   tax deduction(s)

   Number of Children in Commune: _____

   Number of Inner Children In Commune: _____
   Number of your Inner Children which have been molested by one of

   Roseanne's multiple personalities: ____

   Mother's Name: ____________________   Father's Name: ____________________

   Where were you were conceived:

   ____ Woodstock   
   
   ____ Monterey

   ____ Under the stars on in the commune's
   hot tub

   ____ In the back of a VW micro-bus on the
   way to a Dead show
   Name of book exposing your parents as inner-child abusers:

   Number of copies sold: ____

   Number of Wind Chimes Owned: ____
   Number of times you've given yourself a concussion by hitting head on
   wind chimes: ___

   Number of time you've channeled dead space aliens: ____

   Number of times a space alien has copped a feel off you: ____
   Talk Shows on Which You Make a Regular Appearance:

   ____ Donahue   ____ Ricki Lake   ____ Geraldo   ____ Sally Jesse
   ____ The morning news' surf report

   Number of times you've eaten your surfboard: ____

   Above, while still in parking lot after tripping on your sandals: ____

   Number of Grateful Dead concerts attended: ____ (if all, enter "on
   tour")

   Number of bongs you own: ____
   Number of times you've drunk your bong water because the weed ran out:

   Political Party Affiliation: (Choose as many as you have
   personalities)

   ____ Green Party
   ____ American Communist
   Party
   ____ Socialist Party
   ____ New Age Astral Party (channeling the spirits of dead Romans)
   ____ Hemp Party
   ____ The Party-Hearty Party ____ Inner Child Abuse
   Hotline Party
   ____ New Age Goddess Party

   How far is your home from the waterline:
   ___ Miles
   ___ Yards
   ___ Feet
   ___ I like to wake up with sand in my nose and seaweed in my teeth, in
   true harmony with nature as it washes up my nose

   Number of surfboards owned: ____
   Number of seconds you can talk without using the words "totally",

   "like", "man" and "fer shure": ____ (enter, like 0, if you, like,
   totally don't know)

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