Today's jokes [12.16.09]

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How does a women hold her liquor?

By the ears.

One day a housewife was going about the usual business of cleaning the 
house, when she suddenly felt intensely horny. Unfortunately, her husband 
was still at work, so she resorted to stripping off all her clothes and 
started to masturbate.
She got very excited, rubbing herself and moaning, and when her husband 
walked in, she was writhing in the middle of the living room floor.
He glanced through the mail and said to his wife, "Honey, when you're 
finished vacuuming the floor, could you get started on dinner?"

More Jesse news... 

Public Statement by the Rev. Jesse Jackson 

Due to the great consternation caused by the revelation of my act of 
procreation, I accept my obligation to give an explanation to the
population for my act of copulation. I gave in to temptation, for the 
anticipation of sexual gratification, that I could not obtain through 
masturbation, resulted in my fornication. I accepted her invitation,
and provided her with excitation, stimulation, penetration, replication, 
and liberation. She provided lubrication (to avoid inflammation) and I 
wore condoms to avoid contamination. 

She cried for duplication but I insisted upon termination, in spite her 
fascination with variation. This has caused me great aggravation, and 
the agitation and provocation of the media has resulted in my humiliation,
denigration, and degradation. My wife is considering castration, which
would require my hospitalization. 
Pray that this matter will find culmination in my sanctification and 
rehabilitation so that my plans for nomination to my ultimate vocation 
will not result in revocation and termination. I hope this proclamation 
has provided illumination and verification and will prohibit further 
provocation. 

Sincerely, 

The Rev. Jesse Jackson 

An aging hooker volunteered to give the novice a few tips on the art of 
fellatio. Satisfied that she had perfected the basics, the old pro asked 
the beginner if she had any questions.
"Well yeah. I was wondering how long dicks should be sucked."
"The same as the short ones, honey." 

Storming into his lawyer's office, a Texas oil magnate 
demanded that divorce proceedings begin at once against his 
young bride.

"What's the problem?"

"I want to hit that adulterin' bitch for breach of contract," 
snapped the oil man.

"I don't know if that will fly," said the lawyer.  "I mean your wife 
isn't a piece of property; you don't own her!"

"Damn right," the tycoon rejoined, "but I sure as hell expect 
exclusive drillin' rights!

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