Today's jokes [12.15.09]

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Humor story by Larry Graves

Website: http://www.gravetimes.com                                                    

MY TWO "DELICATE" OPERATIONS



A few years ago, I had two operations in the space of a couple of 

months. These were not major operations. Although for most men, I 

believe they would prefer triple heart bypass surgery instead... No man 

alive has ever looked forward to either of these operations. In fact, I can 

guarantee you the following statements have never been said by any 

man in existence:



 #1    "Oh good, today is my vasectomy!"

 #2    "Oh good, I'm finally getting the circumcision I've always wanted!"



Yes, dear readers, 1990 was not a good year for a member of the family. 

My member, my private part, my willy, my manhood, my good luck charm 

I carry wherever I go.



First I will tell you about the vasectomy. (I hope you have strong 

stomachs.) Men who know I've had this delicate operation always ask 

me how bad it is. I tell them the truth. Except for the unbearable pain and 

embarrassment, it's not bad at all. The embarrassment of laying on the 

operating table as the doctor strolls in, so cocksure. (Pun very much 

intended...) Let's just say,it was very uncomfortable when the doctor 

lifted up the blanket to look at his next job. Very perturbed, he stated "Mr. 

Graves, in order to have a vasectomy, you have to have a penis." I 

assured the doctor that it was there. I pointed to the very spot it was 

located. The doctor sighed heavily and murmured "I can't see dick all!" 

As the doctor tried to control his anger, he asked his nurse to bring in a 

microscope. After searching for a few minutes, he located what he 

believed to be my manhood (okay, boyhood...) I could be imagining 

things but I swear I heard some discussion about contacting the 

Guinness Book of World Records. 



The operation honestly wasn't too bad. It was actually the constant
laughter during the operation which caused me the most pain. When the 

vasectomy was completed, I was thrown a couple of pain killers and told 

I could go home. Very gingerly I walked out of the hospital. My legs 

spread apart as far as possible as I shuffled towards the parking lot. 

Needless to say, everyone who saw me knew what operation I had just 

had. As people gawked and pointed at me, I felt like a real dick. 



The circumcision was basically the same, except I was knocked out for 

the operation. When I awoke from the operation, I felt like I was  being 

woken up from the dead. I looked down at "it" and noticed it was in 

some kind of cast. I started to have visions of girls wanting to sign my 

cast. Silly dreamer I am... Being the comedian I am, I asked the nurse if 

they had enlarged it for me. She stared at me in shock and said "I don't 

think so."





                                    Another dream shattered...


sent by Larry Graves


  

Q: What do you have when you have two green balls in your hand?
A: Kermit's undivided attention.

A man was being interviewed for a job. 

"Were you in the service?" ask the interviewer. 

"Yes, I was a marine," responded the applicant. 

"Did you see any active duty?" 

"I was in Vietnam for 2 years and I have a partial disability." 

"May I ask what happened?" 

"Well, I had a grenade go off between my legs and I lost both 
testicles." 

"You're hired. You can start Monday at 10 am." 

"When does everyone else start? I don't want any preferential 
treatment because of my disability." 

"Everyone else starts at 7 am but I might as well be honest with 
you. Nothing gets done between 7 and 10. We just sit 
around scratching our balls trying to decide what to do first."

A man suspected his wife of seeing another man.
So, he hired a famous Chinese detective,
Ram Pam Sim Wimm, to watch and report any
activities that might develop.  A few days later,
he received this report:

  Most honorable sir:
  You leave house.
  He come house.
  I watch.
  He and she leave house.
  I follow.
  He and she get on train.
  I follow.
  He and she go in hotel.
  I climb tree-look in window.
  He kiss she.
  She kiss he.
  He strip she.
  She strip he.
  He play with she.
  She play with he.
  I play with me.
  Fall out of tree, not see.
  No Fee.

Sent by Marina

Cinderella was all set to go to the huge ball, but she was having a severe 
case of PMS. She was crabby and pissy and moody and generally not in the 
partying spirit. Well, her fairy-godmother again came to her rescue by 
providing Cinderella with a magic tampon. The fairy-godmother said, "Put 
this in and your PMS will be gone. Just remember, you have to be home by 
the stroke of midnight or the magic tampon will turn into a pumpkin and 
that is gonna be painful as hell to get out."
So, off Cinderella went to the ball in a great mood ready to dance the 
night away. Midnight comes and goes, however, and no Cinderella. Her 
fairy-godmother is worried to death. 1..2...3am and no sign of Cinderella. 
Finally she comes home at 4am. The fairy-godmother was distraught. "What 
on earth happened to you?" she said. "What about the magic tampon. I've 
been worried sick about you."
"Oh don't worry," Cinderella replied. "I met this really great guy named 
Peter-Peter."

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