Today's jokes [11.4.09]

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An actual mailing:

Greetings, 
You have just received the "IRISH VIRUS". 
As we don't have any programming experience, this virus works on the honor 
system. 
Please delete all the files on your hard drive manually and forward this 
virus to everyone on your mailing list. 
Thank you for your cooperation.

Sherlock Holmes and Matthew Watson were on a camping and hiking trip. They had
gone to bed and were lying there looking up at the sky.
Holmes said, "Watson, look up. What do you see?"
"Well, I see thousands of stars."
"And what does that mean to you?"
"Well, I guess it means we will have another nice day tomorrow. What
does it mean to you, Holmes?"
"To me, it means someone has stolen our tent."

Microsoft Addresses Justice Department Accusations

REDMOND, Wash. - Oct. 23, 1997 -- In direct response to accusations made by the Department of 
Justice, the Microsoft Corp. announced today that it will be acquiring the federal government 
of the United States of America for an undisclosed sum.

"It's actually a logical extension of our planned growth", said Microsoft chairman Bill Gates, 
"It really is going to be a positive arrangement for everyone".

Microsoft representatives held a briefing in the oval office of the White House with 
U.S. President Bill Clinton, and assured members of the press that changes will be "minimal". 
The United States will be managed as a wholly owned division of Microsoft. An initial public 
offering is planned for July of next year, and the federal government is expected to be 
profitable by "Q4 1999 at latest", according to Microsoft president Steve Ballmer.

In a related announcement, Bill Clinton stated that he had "willingly and enthusiastically" 
accepted a position as a vice president with Microsoft, and will continue to manage the United 
States government, reporting directly to Bill Gates. When asked how it felt to give up the 
mantle of executive authority to Gates, Clinton smiled and referred to it as "a relief". He 
went on to say that Gates has a "proven track record", and that U.S. citizens should offer 
Gates their "full support and confidence". Clinton will reportedly be earning several times 
the $200,000 annually he has earned as U.S. president, in his new role at Microsoft.

Gates dismissed a suggestion that the U.S. Capitol be moved to Redmond as "silly", though did 
say that he would make executive decisions for the U.S. government from his existing office at 
Microsoft headquarters. Gates went on to say that the House and Senate would "of course" be 
abolished. "Microsoft isn't a democracy", he observed, "and look how well we're doing". In 
addition, Gates said, all state and local branch governments will have to renew their licensing
agreements with the new Microsoft Federal Government in order to keep current liberty rights 
intact. "It's not anti-competitive, only acting as any capitalist soverign would toward lesser 
competitors."

When asked if the rumored attendant acquisition of Canada was proceeding, Gates said, "We don't
deny that discussions are taking place".

Microsoft representatives closed the conference by stating that United States citizens will be 
able to expect lower taxes, increases in government services and discounts on all Microsoft 
products.

About Microsoft:

Founded in 1975, Microsoft (NASDAQ "MSFT") is the worldwide leader in software for personal 
computers, and democratic government. The company offers a wide range of products and services 
for public, business and personal use, each designed with the mission of making it easier and 
more  enjoyable for people to take advantage of the full power of personal computing and free 
society every day.

About the United States:

Founded in 1789, the United States of America is the most successful nation in the history of 
the world, and has been a beacon of democracy and opportunity for over 200 years. Headquartered
in Washington, D.C., the United States is a wholly owned subsidiary of Microsoft Corporation. 

Doctor, the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I 
can't get it up for my wife anymore.

"Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see 
what I can do."

The next day the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off 
your clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the medic said. "Now turn all the 
way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Ok, you may put 
your clothes back on."

The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," 
he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."

Did you hear about the guy who died of Viagra overdose? 

They couldn't close his casket. 

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