Today's jokes [11.29.09]

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A guy says, "I remember the first time I used
alcohol as a substitute for women."
"Yeah what happened?" asked his friend.
The first guy replies, "Well, er, I got my
penis stuck in the neck of the bottle."

   A very very rich gentleman dies,leaving his fortune to his only living
   friends, a Doctor, a
   CEO, and a Lawyer. But being the eccentric he was, his will stipulated
   that each one must
   place their third of the money in his coffin before he is put in his
   final resting place. The
   funeral comes and goes. Over a year later the three friends are
   talking over lunch and the
   topic of the old man and his strange ways comes into the conversation.
   The Doctor finally
   says "I have to be honest, I didn't place ALL of the money into his
   coffin, I kept five
   million". Then the CEO states "Well, I have to admit that I too kept
   some of the cash. Ten
   million to be exact". The Lawyer glares at the two and says "I am
   ASHAMED of you two,
   I wrote a check for the FULL amount!"
   

Save the Yeasts



                      EVERY TIME A LOAF OF BREAD
                              IS BAKED,
                            APPROXIMATELY
                        150,000,000 YEASTS ARE
                                KILLED.

                 Come to the award-winning 1987 film,
                  "The Very Small and Quiet Screams"
        -- a cinematic electromicrograph of yeasts being baked.

"A must for those who care about yeast, and especially for those who don't."

                +------------------------------------+
                | Evening showing in Johnson & Wales |
                |    Pirsig Auditorium: 7PM, 4/19    |
                +------------------------------------+
============================================================================
                             SPONSORED BY
                Brown Anaerobe Rights Coalition (BARC)
               Student Bakers for Social Responsibility
              Coalition for the ELevation of Life (CELL)
                   Campus Crusade for Fetal Matters
============================================================================
   Defend all life: 'from greatest to least, from human to yeast!"



            This poster printed on 100% yeast-free paper.

A mute was walking down the street one day and chanced upon a friend of
his, also a mute.  In sign language, he inquired how his friend had been
doing. The friend replied (vocally!) "Oh, can that hand-waving shit.  I 
can talk now."
Intrigued, the mute pressed him for details.  Seems he had gone to a
specialist, who, seeing no physical damage, had put him on a treatment
program that had restored the use of his vocal chords.
Gesturing wildly, the mute asked if he might meet this specialist.  They
got an appointment that very afternoon.
After an exam, the specialist proclaimed that he had found no permanent
damage.  The mute was essentially in the same condition as his buddy,
and that there was no reason why he couldn't be helped as well.
"Yes, yes" signed the mute.  "Let's have the first treatment right now!"
"Very well," replied the specialist."Kindly go into the next room, drop
your pants and lean over the examining table.  I'll be right in."
The mute does as instructed, and the doctor sneaked in carrying a
broomstick, mallet and jar of Vaseline.  Greasing the broom handle, he
'sent it home' with a deft swipe of the mallet.
The mute jumped from the table, screaming, "AAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaa!!!"
"VERY good," smiled the doctor.  "Next Tuesday, we work on 'B'."

This joke sucks....

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his
wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.  The wife turns over and
says, "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I
want to stay fresh."  The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep.  
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.  This time
he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

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