Today's jokes [11.19.09]

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Two blondes were walking through the woods and they
came to some tracks. 
The first blonde said "These look like deer tracks." 
The other said, "No, they look like moose tracks." 
They argued and argued and were still arguing when
the train hit them.

Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys back on the ranch about his 
first visit to a big-city church. "When I got there, they had me park my 
old truck in the corral," Joe began. 
"You mean the parking lot," interrupted Charlie, a more worldly fellow. 
"I walked up the trail to the door," Joe continued. 
"The sidewalk to the door," Charlie corrected him. 
"Inside the door, I was met by this dude," Joe went on. 
"That would be the usher," Charlie explained. 
"Well, the usher led me down the chute," Joe said. 
"You mean the aisle," Charlie said. 
"Then, he led me to a stall and told me to sit there," Joe continued. 
"Pew," Charlie retorted. 
"Yeah," recalled Joe. "That's what that pretty lady said when I sat down 
beside her."

A cop sees a car weaving all over the road and pulls it over. He walks up 
to the car and sees a nice-looking woman is driving and smells liquor on 
her breath. He says, "I'm going to have to give you the breathalyzer test 
to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol." She blows up the 
balloon and he walks over to the police car.
After a couple of minutes comes back and says, "It looks like you've had a 
couple of stiff ones." She replies "You mean it shows that, too?"

Not that my wife's the jealous type or anything, but one day at work, I had taken this 
temp who was filling in for my secretary to lunch in gratitude for an outstanding job 
on a very difficult project. As luck would have it, there was my wife waiting in the 
office for my return. The temp, who was truly a ravishing beauty said, "Oh, Mrs. Moore, 
I'm so happy to meet you. I'm your husband's new secretary."

Within a single heart beat my wife quietly intoned, "OH ? Really ? Were you ???" 

A very homely young woman made an appointment with a psychiatrist.
She walked into his office and said, "Doctor, I'm so depressed and lonely.
I don't have any friends, no man will come near me, and everybody laughs 
at me.
Can you help me accept my ugliness?"
"I'm sure I can," the psychiatrist replied. "Just go over and lie face 
down on that couch."

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