Today's jokes [11.18.09]

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What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?

You can unscrew a light bulb!

What's the difference between a rabbi and a priest?

A rabbi cuts it off, and a priest sucks it off. 

    A man is walking along one day and he comes upon a ladder.
   Looking up, he sees that the ladder disappears into the clouds.
   Curious, he begins to climb. Before long, he is *in* the clouds. He
   looks around and sees the most horribly ugly woman he has ever seen in
   his life.
   Obese, snaggle-toothed, matted hair..... She looks at him, beckons,
   and says, "Have sex with me, or climb the ladder to success."
   Well, having no intention of doing *anything* with this woman, the man
   climbs higher up the ladder. A bit further on, he comes upon a woman
   slightly less ugly than the woman before. Not attractive, by any
   means, but not repugnant. "Have sex with me, or climb the ladder to
   success, "she says.
   Again, the man elects to continue his climb.
   Before long, he comes upon another woman. This one is actually
   attractive. Not a knock-out, but very pleasing. "Have sex with me, or
   climb the ladder to success."
   Well, he figures the women keep getting better and better looking as
   he gets higher and higher. So he decides to continue climbing.
   A bit farther up is the most gorgeous woman he's ever seen in his
   life! Miss America beautiful. In a sultry voice she says, "Have sex
   with me, or climb the ladder to success." Well, needless to say he is
   *very* tempted.
   But he just can't imagine what could top this woman, so he decides to
   climb higher.
   On the next cloud up is a horrid 500 lb man. You can see the lice in
   his hair, he stinks, his clothes are ratty..... "Who are you?" our
   climber asks in horror. Grinning a toothless grin, the man looks at
   him and says, "Hi. I'm Cess.

A Jewish young man was seeing a psychiatrist for an eating and sleeping 
disorder. 
"I am so obsessed with my mother... As soon as I go to sleep, I start 
dreaming, and everyone in my dream turns into my mother. I wake up in
such a state, all I can do is go downstairs and eat a piece of toast." 
The psychiatrist replies: 
"What, just one piece of toast, for a big boy like you?" 

Sent by Yasha

    DOUBLE VODKA

   A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six
   double vodka."
   The barman says "Wow! you must have had one really bad day."
   "Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
   The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same
   drinks.
   When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came
   back,
   "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
   On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six
   double vodkas.
   The bartender said "WOW! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
   "Yeah, my wife..."

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