Today's jokes [11.17.09]

Vote for the joke that you really like by checking a box next to it. Then press the VOTE button to submit your votes. Also, links to joke categories and "Send to Friend" will open in a new window, so as not to interrupt your joke reading.

Sign of drinking problem...

You shout, "I'm not as think you drunk I am."


Sent by JC

A little girl asks her father, "where do little girls come from?" 
The father says, "they come from a hard-on." 
The little girl then asks her father, "where does a hard-on come from?" 
The father says, "little girls!" 

Charlie was playing with his little brother Mickey when the little 
boy asked whether he could fly like Superman.
"Sure you can, Mickey," Charlie said, "Just flap your arms
really *really* hard."  
So Mickey climbed up on the windowsill, started flapping like 
mad, jumped, then smashed into the ground six stories below.
Horrified, their mother came screaming into the room and 
said, "What the hell happened?!?"
Charlie said, "I was just teaching Mickey not to believe
everything someone tells him."

Father Goose Story No. 5

There was a russian man named rudolph, a high ranking member of the KGB.
one evening rudolph and his wife, helga,  were walking along, and it
begins to snow.  "my, my, look at the lovely snow," said helga.
"no, that is not snow, that is rain!" replied rudolph.
"no, no, no, this is snow," she said.
"look, there is a palace guard, we will ask him."
rudolph went to the palace gaurd and said "is it raining or snowing?"
the gaurd was no dummy, so he said "what do YOU think it is doing, rudolph?"
rudolph replied, "raining."
and the gaurd said "yes comrade,i was going to say raining, also!"

so rudolph and helga went walking off.  the gaurd could just barely hear
the KGB official say:
        
        "RUDOLPH, THE RED, KNOWS RAIN, DEAR"

The Perfect Day - Her

    8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses
    9:00 5 lbs lighter on the scale
    9:30 Light Breakfast
    11:00 Sunbathe
    12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
    1:45 Shopping
    2:30 Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex and notice she's gained 30 lbs
    3:00 Facial, massage, nap
    7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing
    10:00 Make love
    11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms 

The Perfect Day - Him

    6:45 Alarm.
    7:00 Shower and massage.
    7:30 Blowjob.
    7:45 Massive dump while reading USA Today sports section.
    8:15 Limo arrives, Stoli Bloody Marys.
    8:30 Butler Aviation, O'Hare Field, Lear Jet to Augusta, Georgia.
    9:30 Front nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
    11:30 Lunch - 2 dozen oysters, 3 Heinekens.
    12:30 Blowjob.
    12:45 Back nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
    2:30 Limo to Augusta Airport, Bombay Sapphire Martini.
    3:30 Nassau, Bahamas, Afternoon fishing with all female crew
         (topless). Sex for each fish caught. Catch 1249 lb. Blue
         Marlin. Grilled tuna and steamed lobster appetizers, six
         Heinekens, nap.
    6:15 Blowjob.
    6:30 Lear Jet return flight, total body massage in transit.
    7:30 Shit, shower, shave.
    8:00 Watch CNN Live coverage of Bill Clinton's resignation. Hillary
         and Al Gore are indicted in the same scandal (which involves
         graphic pictures and large farm animals).
    9:00 Dinner at Ritz Carlton, Oysters Casino, 20 oz. Filet mignons (rare),
         Gorgonzola salad, Fettucini Alfredo, Chateau Lafite Rothschild 1963
         (magnum) creme brute, Louis XII Cognac, Cohiba Lancero
    10:30 Sex with 3 women, all from different countries
    11:30 Whirlpool, steam and massage. Women quietly get dressed, hail cab
          and leave.
    Midnight Blowjob
    Sleep 

By voting you are helping select today's best joke. This helps us provide you with better quality humor in the future, as well as to select the best jokes to send in our daily best humor mailing.

But wait! Don't forget to read Today's Stories Today's Poems Today's Quotes Today's Funny Pic   November '09 Jokes Issues: S M T W Th F St 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30