Today's jokes [11.12.09]

Vote for the joke that you really like by checking a box next to it. Then press the VOTE button to submit your votes. Also, links to joke categories and "Send to Friend" will open in a new window, so as not to interrupt your joke reading.

Why do Black widow spiders kill there mates after mating?

To stop the snoring before it starts..

        Tell someone you can pin a glass of water to the wall --
        a real glass, not a paper cup, using an ordinary straight
        pin.  Naturally they won't believe, so you set out to
        prove it.

        Get a glass of water and a pin.  Hold the glass up to the
        wall and start to pin it up.  And then drop the pin.
        You've got the glass in position just right, so you ask
        your victim real nice to get the pin for you.  When they
        bend down to pick it up, dump the water on their head.

This works especially well when there's a crowd of people watching.
It can also be very dangerous for the joker, so be careful if you
try it.

It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was on his first
assignment, and it was guard duty.
A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous
young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute,
and snapped out "Sir, Good Evening, Sir!"
The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute
and said "Good evening soldier, nice night, isn't it?"
Well it wasn't a nice night, but the Private wasn't going to
disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and
replied "Sir, Yes Sir!".
The General continued, "You know there's something about a
stormy night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing.
Don't you agree?"
The Private didn't agree, but them the private was just a
private, and responded "Sir, Yes Sir!"
The General, pointing at the dog, "This is a Golden Retriever,
the best type of dog to train."
The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said
"Sir, Yes Sir!"
The General continued "I got this dog for my wife."
The Private simply said "Good trade Sir!" 

You may have heard that a New Zealand man had a hand transplant.  
Guess what?  His penis rejected it!

It was a somber day in Disney land, Mickey And Minnie were in divorce court.. 
The judge was about to make his decision he said 'Im sorry mickey, I cant 
grant you a divorce based on your statement that Minnie has prominant teeth"

Mickey retorted " I DIDNT SAY SHE had prominent teeth, I SAID SHE WAS FUCKING GOOFY!!

By voting you are helping select today's best joke. This helps us provide you with better quality humor in the future, as well as to select the best jokes to send in our daily best humor mailing.

But wait! Don't forget to read Today's Stories Today's Poems Today's Quotes Today's Funny Pic   November '09 Jokes Issues: S M T W Th F St 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30