Today's jokes [11.1.09]

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What's 3 feet tall and gives me head?
My son.

I have lived in several different houses with a bunch of guys. Needless
to say things got pretty rowdy sometimes and many were victims of some
pretty funny jokes.  One of the favorites as I recall (and still is) is
to go into the bathroom while the victim is taking a shower, and pour
a bucket of extreeeemmmlly cold water on them over the top of the
shower curtain.  This is quite a shocking experience, and if you are
fast enough you can get away before the victim finds out you did it.

I remember one guy I lived with getting this all the time.  One time
he got sick of putting up with it and jumped out of the shower into
the hall squirting shampoo at everyone in sight.  The next time this
happened the guys were ready with a camera to take pictures of him as
he ran out of the bathroom.  These pictures were later shown at his
bachelor party.

   Stolen Car
   A man walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his
   hand. A cop on the
   beat sees him, and approaches, "Can I help you, sir?" "Yesssh!
   Sssshomebody ssshtole
   my car!" the man replies. The cop asks, "Where was your car the last
   time you saw it?"
   "It wasssh at the end of thisssh key!" the man replies, logically, if
   a bit too literally. About
   this time the cop looks down to see that the man's member is being
   exhibited for all the
   world to see. He asks the man, "Sir, are you aware that you are
   exposing yourself?"
   The man looks down woefully and without missing a beat, moans "OHHH
   GOD . . . they
   got my girlfriend too!!!"
   

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops
   for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door
   saying "NERDS NOT ALLOWED -- ENTER AT OWN RISK!" He goes in and sits
   down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of
   nerdy, asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he
   drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is
   hauling. The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and
   serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in
   with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of
   pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender,
   without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The
   truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to
   worry, the nerds are overpopulating the Silicon Valley, and are in
   season now. You don't even need a license, he said.
   So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and
   heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident,
   and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out
   all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming,
   grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and
   programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't
   let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the
   bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of
   them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps
   out of the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver said,
   "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."
   "Well, sure," said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em."

Mary Jane was walking on the beach one day and saw a shark swimming around 
a man. The man was screaming, "Help me! Help me!"
Mary Jane laughed and laughed! She knew that the shark was never going to
help that man!

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