Today's jokes [10.8.09]
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The Naming of Jesus
A group of biblical scholars were involved in a heated discussion about how Jesus of Nazareth
was named. How did he become known as the Messiah, or Christ. One of the scholars argued that
the name was a Greek corruption of Aramaic, and purists and fundamentalists ought to use the
name Joshua. Another argued that Joshua was Hebrew, not Aramaic, to which a third argued that
Hebrew should be used because Jesus was said to be the King of the Jews. The debate went on
and on and became more and more sophisticated and obtuse. Finally, an old man known for his
wisdom intervened. He informed the group that he knew how Jesus was named. When Jesus was born,
a star shown in the sky, and three wise men from the East travelled to Bethlehem. They had
travelled for days, suffered great deprivation, and when they finally got to Bethlehem got
lost trying to find the manger. Finally, after much ado, and in rather foul moods, they
reached the manger and entered the stall. As one of them came through the door, he tripped on
the door sill, and fell into the wall hitting his head. "Jesus Christ!" he screamed, and
that is how the baby was named.
Man in a pub, "If you went camping and woke up in the morning with a
bloody condom hanging out of your arse, would you tell anyone?"
Other man, "Bloody hell, no!"
First man, "Want to come camping?"
Three Reform Rabbis were in a terrible auto wreck. None
One minute they were driving along the highway, talking and
laughing and joking, and the next, BOOM! they were before the
Creator of all.
Shaking his head, The Omnipotent One looks at the three.
"Reform I can understand. But where will it end? You!
Goldblum! The ashtrays in your temple so My people could
smoke while the Torah was being read???"
God went on. "I can live with that. Men are weak, but the Word
Goldblum sighed with relief.
"Bauman! Really, I can accept My people need to eat, but
really: serving Ham Sandwiches to the devout at the temple
during Yom Kippur?"
Bauman hung his head in shame.
"Even that I can allow to pass, even with the eating of that
which is not Kosher. I'm not pleased at all with the playing fast
and loose with my people, but I can accept these
Bauman also heaved a sigh of relief.
Finally, He turns to the third rabbi and says, "You, Rabinowitz,
have gone too far! Am I asking too much? No, you flaunt
the world at Me, even on the holiest days of Rosh Hashana and
Yom Kippur by putting out a sign saying....
"Closed for the Holiday !!!"
The following riddles and jokes were made up by BADJOKE.EXE, an MS-DOS
program. You probably haven't heard most of them. Please try not to laugh
too hard and feel free to flame as much as you like--we are all like
passengers on the deck of the Titanic discussing what we're going to do when
we get to shore.
How can you tell when a mechanic has been behind your nuclear warhead?
There are nubile lambchops all over your pizza!
How can you tell when a pope has been coming towards your spaceship?
There are laughing travelling salesmen in your banana!
How do you get 100 gargoyles into a nuclear warhead?
Throw in a lawn sprinkler!
Why do motorcycles fold born-again eyeballs?
To diaper their skyscrapers!
Why do policemen have toilets?
So that yaks will disobey them!
What do you get when you cross a Barbie doll and a banana?
An angry nurse!
What did the Democrat say to the kettle drum?
"Ignore my eyeball, you square baby!"
What did the finger say ot the lawn sprinkler?
"Enlist my meatgrinder, you born-again cockroach!"
How can you tell when a water cooler has been beside your mule?
There are schizophrenic bathtubs all over your skyscraper!
Why do nuclear warheads have televisions?
So that photocopiers will interrogate them!
Who was that baby I saw you with last night?
That was no baby, that was my senator!
What do a hot toddler and a fossilized kneecap have in common?
The both eat flying hairballs!
When is a toothbrush not a toothbrush?
When it's a flabby cornfield!
What do you call a garbageman who has married milkmen beside him?
Waiter, there's a cranberry near my polar ice cap!
Shhh! Everyone will want one!
Why do yaks have fingers?
So that Hare Krishnas will break them!
How do you get 100 horses into a drainpipe?
Throw in a teapot!
What do you get when you cross an escalator and a grandmother?
A thirsty spatula!
What do a lovesick armadillo and a grouchy tank have in common?
They both smash lazy lollipops!
Why do popes bathe automatic horses?
To satisfy their SubGeniuses!
What time is it when a kettle drum steals your senator?
Time to get a new senator!
What do a married shark and a left-handed pocketwatch have in common?
They both visit hi-rise armadillos!
What do you call a guru who has yawning armadillos inside him?
Why do ex-convicts have televisions?
So that toilets will dissect them!
How do you get 100 beds into a Barbie doll?
Throw in a toenail!
When is a cornfield not a cornfield?
When it's a worthless whale!
How can you tell when a senator has been inside your bed?
There are hi-rise parking tickets up against your toilet!
Why do TV repairmen have beds?
So that VCRs will visit them!
When is a pencil sharpener not a pencil sharpener?
When it's a religious milk shake!
What do a green photocopier and a gaudy farmer have in common?
They both buy yellow prunes!
Why do armadillos have babies?
So that snakes will steal them!
What do a greedy teapot and a housebroken phonebook have in common?
They both stall born-again BMWs!
What did the toothbrush say to the sloth?
"Smash my horse, please!"
How do you get 100 bums into a hovercraft?
Throw in a vicar!
What did the toenail say to the cookie jar?
"Disobey my eyelid, you drunk landmine!"
Why did the Hare Krishna marry his cornfield?
To enshrine its solar-powered parking ticket!
When is an insurance salesman not an insurance salesman?
When he's a beautiful grandmother!
What do a mellow puppy and an overworked shark have in common?
They both toast gold-plated giraffes!
What do you get when you cross a skyscraper and a TV repairman?
A holographic chicken!
What time is it when a fly swatter touches your toothbrush?
Time to get a new toothbrush!
Why do demons have aerobics instructors?
So that ostriches will cross-examine them!
What do you call a waitress who has brain-damaged pianos on her?
A lima bean!
What do an awe-inspiring fly swatter and a cheap flea have in common?
They both bounce wacky gods!
What time is it when a SubGenius cross-examines your kneecap?
Time to get a new kneecap!
Why do grandmothers enshrine hyperactive sharks?
To befriend their prunes!
Why do toddlers have gargoyles?
So that forks will marry them!
A little Italian grandfather comes up to Customs.
The Customs official says, "Have you got anything to declare?"
He thinks a second and he says, "It's a nice-a day!"
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