Today's jokes [10.7.09]

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One night when you have a few friends around, take turns calling the
same phone number, a really obnoxious acquaintance that won't
recognize your voices is always a good choice.  When the person
answers, try to leave a message for John Smith (or any name that
sounds real). Insist that you have the right number and even read
their number to them. Have a bit of fun here, and stretch this on as
long as possible.  Repeat several times, once or twice an hour. Let
everybody have a turn at calling. Just as the party is breaking up,
call one last time.  Tell the poor soul answering the phone that you
are John Smith, and ask "Are there any messages for me?"  This is sure
to get a groan.

A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.
Man: "What are you doing here today?"
Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give
me $5 for it."
Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself.
But they pay me $25."

The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some
more before going their separate ways.
Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the
donation center.
Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?"
Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] "Unh unh." 

A man called the undertaker one afternoon and sobbed: "Come and bury my wife."
"But I buried your wife ten years ago," replied the undertaker.
"I got married again," the man sobbed.
"Oh," said the undertaker. "Congratulations." 

   Last time the circus came to town, an ad for an animal trainer was
   placed in the local paper.
   
   Only two applicants showed up: a male and a female.
   
   The owner said he could only afford one animal trainer, so he would
   choose the one with the best act.
   
   At first glance it appeared that the female was much better prepared,
   since she came to the interview in a very long flowing cape, with a
   whip & chair. She looked more like a model than a trainer.
   
   The man's only distinguishing feature was a soggy cigar stuffed
   between his cracked and leathery lips.
   
   The owner asked who would like to go first, and the man said, "Ladies
   before Gentleman."
   
   So the lady asked for her special music to be played, and once the
   music started she entered the cage with a flurry of whip snapping. She
   motioned the attendant to release the tiger.
   
   The tiger leaped into the cage snarling. The young lady threw aside
   her whip, tossed back her cape and sat on the chair as naked as the
   day she was born.
   
   The tiger then circled her, sniffing the air,... then suddenly leaped
   toward her, put its face between her legs and started licking. She
   threw back her head moaning, holding the tiger by the ears with her
   thighs. She rode on the tiger's face all around the cage.
   
   Then the owner looked at the man and said, "That's quite an act,...
   Think you can do better than that?"
   
   The man spit out his cigar, licked his lips and said, "No problem,
   just get that tiger out of the cage!
   

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging 
that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a 
special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After 
several minutes, the older worker had had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. 
"I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a 
wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to 
wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you 
got."

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the 
handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. 
Get in."

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